Life is a series of problem. What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one."
Will I be strong enough to accept it and my life wont be difficult? This year, is fully filled with downs. When will it ever be gone?
Will I be strong enough to handle and accept it?
Am I strong enough to do everything right? Will I?
Sunday, October 31, 2004
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9:05 PM
Thursday, October 28, 2004
As you all know... I am sick.. but guess what? I ate ice cream still... hahaha.... Hmmm... I just got the craving for it... therefore met up with panda and sh to hageen to EAT! woo hoo...
Saw the converse shoe... woohoo damn nice ok!... That pair of shoe cost $89 ... then school is selling at $99 with shoe bag n sock.. hmm... $10 for the sock and bag... hmm... worth it? -shrugs- but I really tempted to purchase iT!!! But how am I going to tell my mum? -shrugs- I still remember Mr Teo said I join bball than must buy the shorts.. then soon will get the shoes.. den i say i wont.. now... -.-!!! argh.. die... see how 1st bah... -shrugz-
stil sick.. but better than yesterday.. but also soon going to sleep le.. hee.. goo nitex
10:52 PM
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Oh gosh... I am sick.. very sick... having a terrible headache since morning till now. I woke up already not feeling well, realise my throat hurts but I dont care then headache follows... I was feeling so terrible in school, I just got to bear with it and when I speak I will cough a bit because it hurts... -sighz- why am I sick?
Just remembered yesterday, it was raining then I was caught in the rain for a while when I was going to school. Hmm... could it be this? Or because most of the time when I was working and it rains, I will be drench and feeling cold in the aircon? -shrugs- but whatever it is it is so terrible to be sick!
Really break my record, from primary to secondary school, never I will take MC for more than twice in a year. This year, I took 3MCs. Also, I had never not recover from sickness after finishing the medicine. -sighz- becoming so weak now. Hopefully I can recover soon, I want to train on saturday!
Terrible headache... so guess will sleep now.. byez...
9:59 PM
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
HAHAHA... Mr Teo online just now.. talked to him for a while.. told him about my grades. =) yea.. 3 As, 5Bs, 1 Cs, 1 X, 2 not yet marked. First week was 1 X, 1 C and 3 Bs. Second week was 2 As, 2 Bs and 1 not marked. This week 1 A. cheerio... hee hee hee... I am happy because its improving~! -winks- Anyway, just now was talking to him.. then he said, "remember this, hardwork pays.. and of course packaging and presentation.." Packaging - changing the views of others - being proactive and keen... well.. hee hee.. I am getting to it =) heee... lalalala... =x Talked to Mr Leong too.. but hmm.. dont know le..the conversation arent like the past.. :( Anyway, really hope to catch up with them soon... but this week is definately out... I am very busy this week... Oh yes, just now was asking Mr Teo was is he doing.. he thinks I not so kind one... hmpf~! nevermind.. in my heart I know I am kind.. hee .. bleahxxx!
Not trying to be pessimist here, but whenever I am feeling so happy, there is this inner voice telling me 'every happiness will end soon... dont be too happy now.. you will be sad again.." somthing like that... though I really know everything will end, but I think I will still try all my best to make sure I can sustain this happiness... I think as long as I keep doing what I think is right... I will get what I deserve! Tomorrow is enterprise... C to A.. and I shant disappoint myself! I will maintain this! Keep working! Way to go! =)
10:43 PM
Monday, October 25, 2004
Things are going really quite smoothly for me now. I am feeling more and more happy. =) Hopefully these happiness can stay. Though I know it wont stay forever but I just wish that it will stay as long as possible.
Know what!? I achieve my A! hee hee hee!!! Enterprise skills - A... tremedous improvement from the facilitator. =) I realise I am getting 'crazy', the more you want me to die, the more I will do it. I remember I was very upset with the facilitator because he gave me a C, then on on the 2nd lesson, I piang, not really that piang, but its much better and well as I said, my RJ is 70% good therefore I need to piang my participation and teamwork, so I did it, and I got the A! horray~ more to go~!!! :) cheeryz!!! Tomorrow, is the day for my revenge, just wait and see! I am going to take so much initiative plus I am going to participate like no body business! I wil achieve what I DESERVE!
Bball match today. Wonderful! I though jiao lian is not going to put me in but I just did what the team does. Starting line up wasnt me, I wasnt unhappy because it is expected. He put yiming, then later he asked me in. I was delighted, this was just unexpected. I did all I can, I came out and jiao lian commented that I played not too bad. :) Soon he placed me in again. At the last quarter, he put me in again. I am so happy about it, you see? Other than that, I realise that my shooting skills are getting better. Now I could use the correct way to shoot. I just need to practise more and have more strength and everything will be sweet and nice. =) Anyway, once again, my back hurts. This pain werent like that day, it was like ants biting my lower back. It was those kind of pain. As usual, I couldnt bend without pain, but well I got to play, these pain are nothing.
Friendship are slowly coming back. I took the initiative. I hate losing friends, no matter how angry, how unhappy at the end I will just give in. Do not wish to have enemies more than friends.
Work I had already mentioned, things are going well now also. School also getting hang of it. Everything slowly slowly getting better. =) hee.. so happY! ok.. time to sleep... tooooo tired... yawnz!!!!!!!!!! good nitezzz!!!
10:15 PM
Sunday, October 24, 2004
I guess things really got better after a hanging on with pain, hardship and sadness. It seems that school now is quite alright for me now. I do not really that dread to go school other than waking up super early and to walk for 15mins from the MRT station to school and to walk up the stupid damn slope! Now sometimes I even love to be in school, I felt the sense of accomplishment in me when I am able to do the work given. This sense of achievement can just overcome those dreadness in me. Anyway, I am now rather glad that we about 85% we can go M'sia trip. Hopefully things go well. I hope during this trip the relationship between us can go back as per normal. Tomorrow is cognitive, well I want to achieve that A. Someone is surpassing me, I better be more proactive now.
I wanted to go for the training yesterday, but I was so worried that I might be too tired to work therefore I did not go. Feeling a little regretful. But, this is the sacrifice I got to make so as to make sure I did my job well. Anyway, now I did not really complain about work also. I am rather comfortable at work now. No longer I felt that sad, scared or dreadfulness in me. I think partly was because I think work is now a routine, a normal routine that I got to follow therefore I felt rather neutral about work now. Secondly, is because I more or less get closer to the collegues especially with my supervisior. No longer I had so much fear in them. I am rather happy yesterday. Alan sort of encourage me, he said "man man lai, bu yao pa" I always thought he wont be that nice, and thought he will sack me any moment. Today was even much 'touching'. Mich was late, then I need to do those sign out. I did not know what to do. Alan said, you counted the money yesterday right? Now sign this book and can liao. Then at the briefing, he asked if I am still alright about what I learn. I said ok, and he slowly learn. Hmm.. the fear is dissipitating now. Yesterday, I reached WWW, Mabel said Hi. Now I felt rather relax and no longer that tense anymore.
I realised if something had became a routine to me, I will feel rather neutral about it. I will not dread, neither will I be keen to go. It seems like school and work both had became a normal routine, something that even I hate I still have to go. I guess its the same as what the book "Road less travelled" said, "Life is difficult. When you accept that life is difficult, then you will not find that life is difficult." I guess I had accept that both school and work is difficult and boring therefore now I felt neutral.
Just came back from XW's house. Wonderful day, but Neox and Kelly not around. Well, but still have lots of fun. Surprisingly Cindy was there! It was a great day. Took lots of photos. It will be so funny to see those photos. -hee hee hee- I took some photos that I looked like a 'gu niang!' I raped Panda! hahaha... :X oopx... Ok, its 1am already.. I better get going.. school tomorrow...
Wonderful day ahead of me! :) Hope I get to play bball tomorrow...
11:56 PM
Friday, October 22, 2004
I am very happy with my own performance today. It was science module. I was worried I couldnt do it but, I make it. I guess I impressed some of my classmates. They were like 'woah, yunru is mad.' Well, I am happy not because of those comments, but rather I could do most of the questions. I really hope this will give me a good grade. I did everything that a facilitator will look into - active participation, good team work, understanding. I really hope this is not another case whereby working so hard get nothing. Nothing much after that, went back ES to meet up with Mr Leong and Mr Lai and have dinner together.
Yesterday, bball training. It was the first training that I could stay on with them. Played alot of games, I know my position now, I am playing forward. Now I am getting hang of my shooting. More practise, I can do it. I need more practise on stragedy, because I still not very sure where to run. 4 hours of trainings, I did not rest at all, just kept training and shooting. Bad things start to happen towards the end. I twisted my right ankle (its been a very long time since I twist or sprain), I did not give it a damn because it was alright after a while and it was just a mild twist. After training, my back hurt lots! I could not bend down without feeling any pain. On my way home, I just feel pain and aches. These are the feelings I really dread! My lower back still hurts a little, my upper back aches. My ankle seems to be ok, just that twisting it at an angle hurts. BUT whatever it is, I am still going to train tomorrow. I am going to see if any of these problem is really that bad. Also, I want to train up my stamina and speed. Though my stamina is good, but I think I should not slack because Tony on tuesday was still saying that I am still his Centre. Also if I really want to play for bball, I think I must train up alot. Nothing much on thursday other than training.
We are going for Malaysia, but most of the girls arent replying me. I really need to give answer to Janelle. Please let me get this job done can? People, I dont wish to bother you, but take your initiative to give me answer can? Talked to Janelle yesterday, and well I guess because she is on the sports side, therefore get along very well with her. She asked me to join sports club, without hesitating I agreed. It is all about organising, promoting sports. It is a good time for me. =)
NYAA currently quite active for my physical recreation. My CIP, new skills and expetition I really dont know what I can do. -shrugs- Nevermind, shall do whatever I can. =)
11:01 PM
WinNeRs tAkE cHaNceS.
Like everyone else, they fear failing, but they refuse to let fear control them.
WinNeRs dOn't gIvE uP.
When life gets rough, they hang in until the going gets better.
WinNeRs aRe fLeXibLe.
They realize there is more than one way and are willing to try others.
WinNeRs kNoW tHeY aRe nOt pErFecT.
They respect their weaknesses while making the most of their strengths.
WinNeRs fAlL, bUt tHeY dOn't sTaY dOwN.
They stubbornly refuse to let a fall keep them from climbing.
WinNeRs dOn't bLaMe fAtE fOr tHeiR fAiLuRes nOr LuCk fOr tHeiR sUcCeSsEs.
They accept responsibility for their lives.
WinNeRs aRe pOsItiVe tHiNkErS wHo sEe gOoD iN alL tHinGs.
From the ordinary, they make the extraordinary.
WinNeRs bElIeVe iN tHe pAtH tHeY hAvE cHoSeN eVeN wHeN it'S hArD,
even when others can't see where they are going.
WinNeRs aRe pAtIeNt.
They know a goal is only as worthy as the effort that's required to acheive it.
WinNeRs aRe pEopLe LiKe yOu.
They make this world a better place to be .
10:31 AM
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Hmm... well... grade had already been given by the facilitator, SHE had already evaluate me unfairly, I had already cried out out my tears and so there is nothing I can do... Well, this make me stronger! I feel the strength in me now, I feel the motivation to work harder now, I feel the PUSH.. the hard push against me! Thanks to YOU, I become what I want to be. I can forgive for what you done, but I will not forget! Trust me, the day we work together, I will make sure you wont have the chance to put me down agaiN! Even if I were to talk rubbish, I will make sure you wont get the chance to respond to the facilitator like today! I will make sure you shut up because I am saying my point! Like what nana said, I always lack of the initiative to lead the team. Like what aiai said, I am very good at giving answer. Like what most the facilitator said, my RJ is good. Well, having all these, now I will push myself even harder! I will make sure I wont be lazy to lead the team, I will bring out all my leadership qualities now! 4Bs, 1 C... I will make sure no more C for me and its all A and Bs! I will be like last semester, one whole week, straight As!
Strengthen my strength - RJ and responding
Improve my weaknesses - Asking questions and taking initiative to lead the team
I will try to make sure I wont feel sleepy, I will make sure I do my work, I will make sure I do everything! Forgive but never forget! You will get your retribution! And now, I can say, I am focus to my goals now. The goal is very clearly in my mind. I would like to thank David for reminding my goal! Tendency to give up, NO MORE! Saying good bye to my giving up attitude!
I wont be angry nor jealous if you were to be. This is my fault, I stopped taking the initiative before holidays. I am not as daring as you and so I wont blame, angry nor jealous this time. But, I will try my best to get what I want to get. I still have the time, chance and ability. I will do it.
To all my dearest buddies, I think for the entry I had that day was really negative. I think that day was just my lowest point, therefore I bring out all those negative thing, even positive thing become negative. People, thanks for all your concern, I know you guys are really thinking that I have yet to move on, or I am staying too much with them again. Well, I guess it was just having too much fun that I couldnt step forward. After a week, things got better, and I am on the right track now. I am now chionging, doing and responding. So dont worry so much. Last week, I guess is that I am jsut too upset about what is happening. Now I am alright already. My classmates said I became anti-social, guess I slowing going back to the crappy me. Netball, they said I change, well yesterday training, I guess I was even crazy then I used to. Give me a little more time, I am sure I will do what I am suppose to. Keep going back during my hols was because I want to be happy, therefore I went back. Long time no go out with them, therefore I took my hols as the chance to do so. I am now doing well, so really, I am fine. -winks- I am still going back during my dec hols because to take my rest, to be happy after 2 months of stressful days in school. =) Is it ok?
Catch a movie with some of my classmates. They are consider to be the closest people in my school now. I disappointed them during the past week. I am sorry about it. I hope today we had a good day. I am going back to the xiaoyun you used to know. Give me a little more time. I will. I wont be antisocial anymore. =)
Ok more or less nothing much already. I need to sleep already. Feeling very tired. Having my frequents headache again. Got to rest... Hope sotong is feeling better.
11:08 PM
I have learned something on Monday. There is always a limit to everything. You can only enjoy something, find happiness in something for a short period of time. You will never find the same happiness for something you do everlasting. You will not feel happy after a shortwhile. For example, its been a while since you ate gummy bears, when you eat it you felt so nice, you enjoy it and felt happy. After a while, you will realise the enjoyment is lesser, you do not really find it that tasty like when you ate it at first. This is the same in life, you will not be happy about something for a long period of time. You need to have some break-outs then you will feel the same enjoyment and happiness again. Even in friendship, like the long conversation we had together, I do not feel so much happiness in the past. But monday conversation, though short but fun and happy. If we keep having such conversation, we will be bored by it and find no enjoyment in it.
Secondly, when you are too comfortable with people, you tend to expect more. In life, when we expect more, expect high, the disappoinments are always greater. This is true, this is really true because it had just happen to me yesterday. Between really close friendship, sometimes you subconsiously tend to expect them to reach what you expect but they didnt reach it and you were upset with them. They wont know that you were upset with them because to them they are just doing what they are suppose to do. When you really get to close, you will tend to be so dependent on them. This is bad, something really bad. You will just get upset because they dont meet your expectation. Like what Mr Teo said, you cant always please people, this sentence go another way too, you cant expect people to please you.
*shifu, I am on this track. I think and realise I am stepping into this track. I seems to be slightly in this deep shit. What should one person do when she is almost stepping into this? During my dec holidays, because of this should I just stop going back or just go back but make sure there is no tendency to have such things to happen?
1:19 AM
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
What should I say? I am speechless. My grades arent really good, I am real disappointed in it now. I could feel my tears rolling down once again. (How many times have I cried ever since I started school?) I dont think I see myself crying in semester one. I doubt I really did.
Last semester, at the start when I got a B I was happy, now I expect A but things just turn out so bad. I wont blame myself for getting Bs for the first two lesson because I can admit I wasnt doing what I suppose to, I was happy that I could get that two B. My VB too, I got B, I was satisfied about it.
Today, 2 grades out, and I am real real real disappointed, angry and speechless. I got C for enterprise. His comment was gd reflection, avg. participation, gd slides, last slide bad articulation, then I got the C. I did my job, I help my group, then I got the C. Today lesson, I was really tired but I really tried my best to do whatever I can. I respond alot of things, I did whatever I can. I took a short nap during my break, they were discussing I didnt know. I woke up and asked what to do then Daniel told me my duty. I did all the work then when I was doing, some one wasnt around. When some one came back, I finished my work and so I went down for my lunch. The bad evaluation was her and she evaluated me badly because I slept! I shouldn't be so nice to her also, I should just evaluate her badly because she went out for so long. Regret! Forget it, this kind of system SUCKS! I hate it. I got the B because of that. No A till now, feel like giving up already. I am really sad, I chiong, I am on form, I pay attention, I stop IM, I did whatever I can and still I got a lousy grades. No A but a C. Well done... there goes my dreams. What a bad start again. -sighz-
11:24 PM
Monday, October 18, 2004
After thinking for a long time, finally decided what to blog now. Before I said anything, I would like to thank you for your concern and care about us and the friendship between all of us.
Firstly, the most important thing is that between me and her we are alright already. For what I know about myself and her is that no matter, in the end, we will still be friends. Secondly, about the initiatives part, I agree to a certain extent that you are one that took the most initiative to ask for gathering. But I think some of us did it also but in the end it did not succeed?
After thinking, I kept asking myself, what must a person do so that the others determine you that you have move on? I think different people have different thinking and definition about moving on. By letting go of everything means growing up and moving on? There are also certain part that you said that I really have doubts on it. I do not understand what you are trying to me. "pushing blame to the school...", maybe to you is that it was the school that make me sacrifice but I am willing to sacrifice for it, not the school or rather the room make me sacrifice. "you dont need us, you only need certain people...", I do not agree, because if I dont need you guys, I wont be so bothered about the friendship, or rather what you have commented. But, thank you for concerning about my future and also sorry if I did give you the impression that I do not care about this friendship.
I still care about this friendship between all of us. When you are feeling really low, there is no doubt you will think negatively of everything. No one will blame you because many things had happended to you. I just want to reassure you that this friendship will continue. Anyway, the oct babies are having their birthday soon, therefore lets try to put this matter at rest and have a wonderful time together. I suggest on friday night? On the 29th of oct? Ok?
_________________________________________________________________
Not all problems can be determine right or wrong. I live my own life, I determine everything myself. I only can listen to advices, ulitmately, I decide for myself whether I want to follow or not. In life, you cant always please people, you cant always do what people wants you to do. It is your life, you have your own character, you have your own decision and definitions of everything. You only live once, live it happily. Happiness is the only thing that you can ask for, you cant probably have everything but you can decide whether you want to be happy or not. Do not get so affected by people's word, those are advices, at the end of the day, you decide yourself. If you think you are right fight for it, if not you will always be a coward and no one will respect you! Especially when you want to be a teacher.
11:16 AM
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Well... see her nick and well I recalled, and guess I need to make an decision soon, a very tough decision. During the holidays, I spent all my time with ES people. I really enjoyed all the company and fun. I love the fun in PE room. I love the laughter. I love the jokes. I cherish those moments. This is also one thing that make me sacrifice alot of things. I shall list down all the things I had sacrificed.
1. 18 and 19 sept, I missed my work because to go carnival.
2. 20th, 27th, 4th I missed wushu trainings.
3. 5th, 6th, 7th I missed netball chalet.
4. I missed quite a number of bball trainings.
5. I make sure my tuition time dont be on weekdays so as to go back school.
I had sacrifice quite a number of things for all these fun. I am not saying I regret, but I really hate this kind of feeling now. I getting to hate RP now. Friends and studies are the culprit.
I supposed they hate me now because of the chalet and the last day at SP for the IVP match. I lost my temper at Sam because of Kelly. I dropped my phone because of Kelly because she threw the bloody ball on my face and I was smsing and the ball hit my hand also and my phone dropped. I shouted at Sam because she said QM and A.QM must do the washing of all the bibs and not them. We are supose to do all the damn bloody job. I was angry and she come and said such things. From then on I lost all my contact with the girls. I dont really gave a damn because I had lots of fun with shifu and the rest. Next come the chalet. In the first place, I had already long decided not to go at all. I do not have the feelings at all. At the very last moment, I said, I will go just for bbq and last day. In the end, I said only for bbq. Then she said must see how, because many people are doing this too. Later she said she very pissed and stuffs, then I said I will just pay for the chalet and not go. On the day of chalet, then some issue came up. And read mainez blog, she was pissed with certain people.. well I will be one of them. Today, saw sam, shan and kelly together. There is no more that kind of talk anymore. I went out.. saw mainez... no longer that kind of converse anymore. She said something hurtful, but she might be joking. I choose to ignore it. I am losing touch with ALL of them. I am losing it. They hate me... yes.. they hate me! I think even I continue in netball, there wont be any happiness in them and me. I want to quit BUT I really wish to continue netball... please, please, please come up with a club... so I dont need to decide anymore so I will have the answer straight away. I am losing it already, and I longer wish to try to compromise. This is all against 1. No more I really wish to compromise in such things. Quit or dont quit?
Other than netball, wushu and bball are giving me slight problems. Wushu - I might get kicked if I still missed trainings. I will have match on Monday for bball. So what can I do? I missed alot of the trainings, I really dont know where they are now. I really wish to learn wushu, but I missed so much, will I be able to catch up plus I still got commitments at bball? Quit or dont quit?
BBall - advisor is gone. Ben stepped down as advisor now. He said that he got other commitments to put in. Tomorrow there is a match... they afraid things might go wrong. -shrugs- will things get better?
Class, I already mentioned. But really, the classmates I have now seem to be shooing away from me too. Studies getting difficult... Giving up easily... Distracted... Cant persevere anymore... no determintion... no focus... losing losing losing it...
Like what Mr Teo talked to me that day during CNY, friends are really important to me, I cant live without friends. Now, things seems to be going wrong. Its all my fault, but I dont know what to do. I really dont know, I am losing more and more friends now. I am now moving towars the category of loneliness... I still got 7 more weeks to go. Can I survive? Studies arent going smoothly too, the topics are real difficult now. I got distracted by stuffs easily too. I gave up when I couldnt do. I am going back. I am moving backwards. I am losing it... really losing it... I am going to lose everything soon... real soon... very soon... I need the strength and motivation to pull me back... but I really doubt I can... I dont wish to go back RP... really dont wish... ES peeps... I miss you... I want back those happiness... ES study at least not so bad... Sec 1 and 2, Mr Chew was there to change me, motivate me... Sec 3 n 4, I still got Mr Teo to stand behind me, advice me, help me, talk to me, motivate me... got Ms lye at the very last year to hold me there, help me and motivate... RP I am all alone... real alone... I was independent in sem1, but now I cant hold in there I guess... -sighs- ES I have lots of friends... and RP I am losing all the friends... ES netball is my only commitment.. I dont need to fret over it... RP 3 commitments, and 3 are facing problems... -sighz- I am losing myself soon... feeling lost soon....
1:35 AM
OK! I am in fear now... really fear.. ok? This will be the last time I am going to hear from anyone about death... stop for now... this is the 3rd time! I dont think I am able to take it anymore... For all the 3 cases or rather 4 its all sudden 1... I am not showing disrespect... but I am now really in fear already. ok! Please.. I am scared now... please.. stop letting me know any of such things...
12.30am just came back home. Helped Sw n JS with their chem. Sw approached me for help... I am so glad about it. I mean you see, she worried people will vomit blood, and now she dont she approached me without me asking. Hopefully in your dec you also do that.. so I try to help you make you understand your sec3 work. Its so tiring... studied till 3 near 4pm then later went back ES for a while.. then met up with them and start to teach them... met at expo... then later went to SW's house... I really very very tired... but still bear with it man... I am happy that someone will approach me... Anyway, I spot the right question for Nengli, please Nengli do well... please!
Tomorrow school... I am sort of sianz of it.. my determination + perseverance is nto that at all... and seriously I am guilty about monday... Well.. I dislike being in the same group with close friend.. I know sometimes I will get distracted by certain things very easily... then I will not do work and slack... then my friend wont dare to say anything because is my friend... I am sorry, shireen.. I know that you are quite upset on monday.. sorry.. promise a better week from now onwards... Tuesday... well... I dont know lar.. I am really not motivated anymore now... not at all... sighz though I kept forcing myself then get a B as whole class got B, I got more demotivated... Today.. I was active... but towards the end... I am dead... I am an idiot.. ok.. I sucks I know.. I getting to hate myself now... Nasri.. sorry on monday and today.. sorri..
Please... I need motivation... where to I find them? I am losing it... I am losing it... I am walking away from my goals... I cant focus on my goals anymore.... .... I am reapeating the same thing like last semester... I am losing ittttt.... .... I was very motivated, very on to achieve what I want... but now.. its seems that its all crap... .... ...
1:08 AM
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Sacrifice for it --- In life, you need to sacrifice something to get something. When we grow up, we need to sacrifice more things. To decide which one to sacrifice is always the hardest thing decision. You do not know which one you sacrifice is more worth it. You do not know if you will regret for making the choice. But whatever choice you make, you cant be sad, because it is your choice, no one force you. (I had sacrificed)
Working for it --- Once you decide to sacrifice something, to make it worth your sacrifice you must put in effort and work for it. By working for it, it makes you think that you have sacrifice the right thing. (I had work for it)
Get it --- Once you sacrifice and you work for it, you MIGHT get it! and if you dont?
Forget it!??? -shrugs-
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Today was david's lesson, I did what I must in his class. He mentioned that we must continue to work from where we stopped and not re-do the whole system again. I did it. I responded quite a few questions. I did my RJ well. I did my job. What I get? B again. -shrugs- -shrugs- -shrugs- Forget it? -shrugs-
Went down with Jason they all to the funeral. He was quite strong. His mum too. Hopefully they can get over it soon. By hearing how his dad passed away, is really telling me, life is so unpredictable. Especially when Jasmine told me that his friend, aged 17, died after the ball hit him. I read the papers and it was so shocking. Yq said that that guy's rib cage was 'bent' inside and dont know what lar. This is really something, life is unpredictable. Nobody knows what will happen to you tomorrow.
10:02 PM
Monday, October 11, 2004
Went to school with a positive mindset... felt asleep in class... but tried to concentrate at times.... training was alright... but it was a very rush day for me... got to rush for training.. got to rush home to give tuition.. no dinner.. -.-
Life is really short and unpredictable... I rush home and therefore I took a cab from interchange to home... I alight and saw funeral at the shelter... this morning was nothing... but now there is a funeral... I was -.-, but my mum always said never look inside therefore I didnt... Reached my block... I was shocked... there is a red paper pasted... therefore it tells me that someone from my block... I didnt ask my mum nor what... but when I want to go school.. then my mum told me... "yq's father died" I was like shocked...
On my way to my student's house... I keep thinking... life is just so short and unpredictable... I still remember a few days ago or what I saw his dad... I just dont know what to say... and I just could not imagine if it happened to me... *touchwood!!!!!!!!* I could really feel alittle sadness in me.. maybe because yq and his bro are my childhood friend, we play till primary school... and secondary school same school as yq.. then same school as yh in poly... I really hope they are fine.... I dont know... suddenly with this.. it makes me think must really treasure each other, cherish the time spent... regardless your family, friends or anyone... People... I luv u! Treasure each other man...
Yh n yq n sis... jie ai shun bian...
10:32 PM
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Will I feel positively or negatively tomorrow? "Its a brand new start for me, I am going to work for my top 5%, I am going to do my best in bball." or "It sucks. I am going to school now. Later still got training, and if I go bball I will miss wushu, if go wushu miss bball therefore both dont go."
Just came back from swimming with SH and XW. This morning I went for work, then went to swim since tuition was cancelled. Working was tedious, just Kelly and me. Well, I am the one apologise. Less trouble will always be better than more trouble. Two in the noon, knock off. I called them and went back home to pack and we met up and go. I doubt I had turn dark. -sad- We talked alot.
24 more hours I will be in RP. Holding on to my laptop. Listening to my new fac talk. "Happily" see my classmates again. Will I be able to smile? Will I be able to forget what I had done for the past 1 month? I just could make any sacrifice just because of going back to ES to have fun. I just cant sacrifice anything for RP.
I am really sinking into sadness once again. SH told me I still can go back therefore I dont need to be sad. This really struck me. Why am I so sad that I broke into tears? I really dont know, I just know I am sad, I am very down.
Will I be a brand new person tomorrow? Will I get my As tomorrow? Will I get all As? Will I be top5%? Will I not be sad? Will I be happy? Will I... Will I... Will I?????????????????? Too many will I...........
++++++confused....sad...down...in tears....++++++++
8:12 PM
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Got my pay... but didnt went into my bank because account number wrong... -.- I am very tired.. going to sleep soon after blogging...
Nothing much other than working... Want to blog about something else...
Received message from v-cap that training is changed to MOnday, I am very confused now, sad, and dont know what to do. I had been missing for wushu training, it is like a month training I have not been going. I already set my mind to go once school re open, but bball training. I had so call done my part for netball, I mean I went down for almost all trainings then done my best for the matches. I already set my mind to put in my commitment for this semester for wushu and bball since I am given the break from Mr Tony. Things just dont go my way, wushu and bball now clashed. Now just this once, but one or two more times. -shrugs- I joined a CCA, I hope I can put in all my commitments inside, therefore I guess I need to make some sacrifice or rather make a decision now. Quit either one, or forget about my own rule, and missed the trainings. It is really hard to make any of these. I love bball, always wanted to learn wushu how to quit one? Forgoing trainings make me not responsible at all. Furthermore both the CCAs I had missed a few time because of Netball. -sighz- Its so hard to decide!!! :( How!? What can I do? I dont wish to quit, but -shrugs-
Tomorrow supposingly to be working and then tuition. Nengli called and said want to study history, therefore tuition is cancelled and changed to Monday. After my school, training and tuition. -busy woman-
Anyway not feeling very well. Diarhoea twice and have the nausea feeling straight after I eat my dinner. Guess my digestion system is giving me some problems again. -sighz- Hopefully will get well soon... -sighz-
10:31 PM
Friday, October 08, 2004
I think I really cant be positive now. I cannot think that I still can play for two more days. I am now thinking I am going to miss ES after two days or maybe tomorrow. I still remember once, I cried in class because I saw the photos of my cute juniors, nice shifu, wonderful tall-towers. I put the netball photo as my wallpaper, and I just missed them so much and I cried. My friend was shocked by my tears, and I think I went back school after that.
I am really crying till very hard now. Why time cant just stop? I really enjoy my time in ES for the past 3 weeks, especially this week. This might sound sick, but I had fun being bullied. I can say that I hate ben hai, shifu for what they did, but I can tell you, it was one of my happiest moment. Now in RP, who will be so childish? Where can I go to straight after school? Who can I approach when I am in total sadness? Where can I find such fun? All these are found in ES - Tampines. I am in RP - Redhill. -sighz-
Piggy... you got to be strong now. Focus on your goal - be the top 5% in RP. You need to move on, no one waits for you and TIME dont wait. If you dont move on, the same old things will repeat again. Everyone in the class is going to chiong all their way, so if you cant move on. You will be a loser if you dont move on! BE STRONG!
Tempted him with the gummy bears... snatching of gummy bears... Gummy bear as hostage... 'touchdown' on my sweetss... eat my ban mian... put pocky on the fan... snatch my chi chong fan.. steal my phone... steal my pocky... being frame by taking his pillow... js being frame by us... cake smashed on my neck because I put a little bit on his face... ganged up with sai to sarbo js.. in the end ade kena... 'fight' with him... tickle him... tickle me back... --> memories of the week... :)
Memories are meant to be kept not to stop you from moving to the present... Piggy... stay strong... and be strong... Focus on your present now... Chiong~!!!!!!
Its hard... its really hard... i really dont know if i can control it... please.. save me.. -sighz- I really dread tomorrow... dread sunday... dread school... I hate it... I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so sad now!!!!!!!!!
11:41 PM
LT - Are you the one who SH told me? If yes, its been 3years, and about 4 months since we talked. Can we be friends? Its been so long eversince things happened. I always hope we still could be friends. Can we?
1:09 AM
Today is/was??? a tiring day for me. I woke up at 10am, but this was the first and only time out of so long I still could feel the tiredness in me. I still managed to get up at 10.30am. I wished to make this a habit so as not to be lazy when school term starts.
Nothing really happened in the noon, just did the normal things, went online then bathe and went to buy food and went to school. This time round, helped Mr Tan to buy his lunch too. Nothing really did happen cause it is almost the same for this week. I bought some snacks, always got 1 childish person will snatch it or keep it or do whatever things he like. (You guys should know who by now) All PE teachers went for their meeting, then I start to do my english too. Yes, before they went for meeting, Mr Teo reminded me once again, "Yunru, I told you how many times, the results doesnt really matter..." Yes, I know the results dont matter, all it matters is that as long as I know that I had improved my English even if I failed its ok. I agree with this, but I think I just wish to have a good results. After that, he said for the next 26 days... then he didnt say anything... -.- well, going to pester him tomorrow.
I sat at his desk, and I just fell asleep after doing a little of grammar exercise. This showed how tired I was. I woke up and continued to do what I want to do. Soon in a while they came back, and he had to leave and Adeline got tuition, Mr Lai wanted to leave. Therefore I also decided to go for the match.
I was late, took cab down to Bedok and reached Redhill took cab again to my school. A total of $4.50 for both trips. I reached RP then took the bus to OFS. I started in the 2nd half, I didnt know what to do and Ben took me out very soon. He put me in again in the 3rd quarter. I played much better this time round. I was hugged by one Caucasian. She hugged me and my teammates were like "what the hell." Those OFS people really rough, they used lots of violence. We lost by 3 points. It was a close match. I felt it was rather a waste, but what agitated me was Ben's words.
"No players tell coach what to do."
"No players tell the coach she want to be sub"
"No players tell the coach she wants to play"
After the match, everyone went to have dinner together. I heard more ugly things about Ben.
"YOU are the one who make the team lose!" - told my vice-captain
"I only want the best players to play, not a team!"
Among all my coaches, this one really sucks. If say he is just an advisor and we cant blame him, why on earth Mr Teo could do such a good job in netball? Mr Teo is also a coach cum teacher. I had really never seen a coach demoralise the player so badly, or rather I had never experience such a coach. After hearing all these from Ben, I really want to say one thing - I love mr teo... haha... I mean I am really so glad to have Mr Teo as my coach for 3 years. He didnt demoralise me (only once), but encouraged me and motivated me. This is a coach whom I will respect, appreciate and never forget!
Gers, I really want to tell you, please be glad that Mr Teo is your coach now. You should be glad that Mr Teo isnt like Ben, therefore do not take him for granted in training. Do not regret only when things turn ugly.
1:00 AM
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Looking at the bright side, I already had 24 days of fun and have another 3 more days to play. Whereas looking at negative side, I only left with 3 more days to school. This time I choose the former. I force myself to choose the former, I dont wish to waste my time thinking of the sad thing. Like what my dad always nag at me, "Ni kai xin ye shi guo yi tian, wei she me bu yao kai kai xin xin de guo na yi tian?" This is true, really true therefore I look at the bright side that I had spend 24 days happily and I still have another 3 more days to go.
My body alarm seems to set a time of 10am. Everyday, I definately will wake up at around 10am. No special case for today. I did something productive today. Finally I cleared my cupboard, arranged it nicely and put some books inside. One thing I like about clearing all my mess is that, it definately will make me feel sleepy after doing it, or in the mid when clearing it. I felt asleep after I clearing it. Woke up at 2pm and went to school. On the way to school, I bought 3 packets or pocky and gummy bears. Mr Xavier and Mr Tan are really quick, they had already left the school when I reached the school. It was only about 2.30 or 2.45pm! Whatever it is, Mr Teo had already did his usual stuffs (bully people). This time he took 2 people snacks.
He went for his meeting. Supposingly to have some pointers from him, therefore I waited for him. Ms Goh was teaching her class and Neng Li was there. It was quite a big group, therefore I took Neng Li out and I taught her what she dont know. Ms Goh was rather angry with Nengli's group, if I were Ms Goh, I will also. HaHa... After teaching her, went into the PE room, sat down and listened to hubby teaching them SS.
Mr Teo came back, passed him my compo. He told me my tenses and sentence fragmentation. -.- I really dont know how to form senetnce. -sighs- My tenses I know I still can do something about it, but how about sentence forming? I am trying hard now to write proper diary, but I really wonder how many mistakes I had made. Mr Chew came in, he read my compo. As usual, he teased me but thinking about it, I agreed with one thing he said, "you are wasting money." "I really pitied the teacher who marked this, so many red inks."
Mr Teo, Mr Leong, Mr Chew, or whoever is reading my blog, can tell me in this short 26 days, what can I do to at least make it pass? I really wish to give up hope and forget about it, but after hubby talked to me yesterday, I think it is even more guilty to give up now then to fail again.
1. Just write all in past tense
2. Read through again
3. Do not translate directly from Mandarin
8:39 PM
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Yeah.. indeed is a bad day for me today... my upper back and shoulder had developed rashes!!!! Well done!!!! Its so itchy... but nothing I could do... yeah!!! well done~!!!Bad day indeed... hooray...
10:41 PM
Woke up 10 plus again even though I slept at about 5am... Mr Leong smsed me... asked me for lunch... well, fine.. then nothing much actually happened... then went back to school... bought his gummy bears.. but I kept it... and as usual he bullied me... he is like a crazy man... whatever it is, he beat me, poke me... -.- still dont grow up...
Used ah hai's laptop... went in to LEO to check out my timetable, =) its out! But seeing those modules make me slightly lose confidence already... I really want to chiong my way for the whole 16 weeks of my school to get what I want to achieved... Out of all the 6 semester, at the end of the school, I want to achieve a GPA of 3.8... it is not impossible, most of the top 5% achieved that... I only short of 0.6... so I cannot 'qi nei', I need buck up and maintain the results well... But I really wonder how... for the C & A, david lee, if I continue I know I can straight As from him, enterprise, if I maintain what I am doing I can get my straight As, hopefully I can do it... really hope my start is a excellent one... I do not want a bad start like my first semester... -prays hard- I am just most worried with science... -shrugs- and followed by computer application and maths... -prays- *piggy really prays hard here..
Went up to the corridor... quite destructive... late noon, Ms Teh came out to look for me... and well, I failed the compo... sad... really sad... disappointed... it is expected but, after going through, I realised I am just writing rubbish? I am just doing shit.. I had return everything to Mdm Noreha.. so sad and disappointed in myself... my letter writing was worse! I only achieved a 2 marks for my content!? What had my 5 marks for content gone to? I am very upset... -sighz- The first person I thought of was my shifu, and well sms him, 'work harder', 'try harder' that was what he told me at first... I really dont know how know, and I just realised I am left with less than a month to go... and I hated myself so much for not spending time on doing my compo during my breaks! I was fooling around, doing nothing, helping others... and not MYSELF!!! -sighz- so disappointing... Ms Teh, didnt say much, she just asked me to do some compo and pass it to her... I really had no more ideas on what I need to do for english... -sighz- But, least, shifu said he will give me some pointers? -shrugs- hopefully it really helps... I think I am going to take out my file and read through all over again.. and see what can I do... -sighz-
Disappointed, upset... that is what I can say about me now... ... ...
6:30 PM
Hmm... its been days since I blog... let me count... 3 days.. many things happened on just these 3 pathetic days... happy, sad, confused, angry all sort of feelings and things happened... I shall slowly type.. since I got plenty of time... more or less I got nothing to do tomorrow and guess will sleep more... -shrugs- cause been waking up early like 10am...
Life really lots of learning experiences, and almost everyone will go through the stage you have been. I still remembered lots of time when teachers would say "I have been through your stage, I know what you are thinking" and all sort of things. I will always think, "time had change, and what makes you think so you have been what we have been?" Now I really agree with all these, even the old saying, "I eat salt more than you eat rice"... I have seen some of my friends who are now in what I had been through, and I know its wrong, but some of them just could not listen and heed my advices. I think my hubby and mr teo would said, "now you know..." Before anything, I would like to apologise and thanks Mr Teo especially, in my sec 3 and sec 4 times you advices, you scolded me umpteen times, and yet I 'wu dong yu zhong'... make you so angry so many times, but you are still patient with me and trying to motivate me study. For the other teachers, thanks for your help and patience. Ok, back to what I want to say, now I can see some of them following the same old pathway which I had walked, and it is definately leading to some dark places. But I really dont know how to help, tell, teach... Sometimes really difficult to help those who doesnt help themselves... give up also cannot... -shrughz-
Just now took back the book, "Road Less Travelled", I read on my way back, this is one that really hit on the spot. I was reading on Neuroses and Character Disorder (its slow, but some morning on the way to school when I read I felt asleep), Neuroses are people who claimed too much responsibilty on themself, and character disorder they push the blame to others. My mum was one of the character disorder, a few years back, my mum mentioned this, "if not because of you, I would long divorce with your dad!" This hit me hard, though she didnt know. I cried, about it. Why didnt you abort me then? That was what I asked myself... thinking about it, its been 8 or 9 years ever since we went out in 4s. Used to it, I guessed? Anyway, everyone will be slightly neuroses and character disorder depending on certain situation.
RP netballers, hugo members, TA0402, all these people, I am shooing away from them... further and further... -shrugs- I guess ES people had already occupied 99% of my space. Therefore I couldnt sequeeze any of them inside. -sighz- I couldnt move on at all... -sad-
School starting, and seriously I really super dread to go to school. Though school starts slightly later, I can wake up after 7am, but still I dread it! I am enjoying myself so much now, and soon I will be gone to school. The moment when I looked at the bball court today, makes me realy sad. I was asking myself, why am I studying at RP, its so far, why must I be separated from tudis and shifu and hubby? Why? I really hate it! Today was so much fun, and everything is going to end soon. I rejected my work, rejected the chalet, dont want to go for trainings and matches all because I am at ES, because I want to cherish the very last moments. (sounds like dying) I really dont know if I will have so much fun so I guess I just want to cherish and enjoy for now. Anyway, no point thinking of the sadness, because for these last few days, I should just spend it happily and not thinking about the school thing.
When school starts, everything will be new again. A fresh starts for me. I missed the top 5% by GPA 0.6! I am going to achieve it in my next semester! Everyone of you just wait and see! 1st semester was because of my start was bad, therefore it pull everything down. You shall see, I will chiong all my way and by all cost I will get the top 5% in 2nd semester!
Talked about my happenings...
1st happy incident, two days of tuition, this was the first time I felt happy about tuition. I always dread it, cause it is the most boring, irritating thing that could happen every sunday. But last saturday and today was different. Saturday, she had lots of homework by Ms Goh, therefore she asked me about those she dont know, then I picked those questions she used to make mistakes, and to my surprised, she really did it right. I am happy for her, finally she drilled inside what I taught. Now I know, for the past 5 months, it was not a wasted effort. Same thing happened today, and she knew her mistakes, I am glad for her. If she can stop making all those careless, I am confident I can make her pass this time round. =)
2nd, today something hilarious for the 'audience' in PE room... all was my fault actually. I bought gummy bears, and I know shifu love them, and guess what I did!? I go and 'xia' him lorh.. tempted him.. I was like taking the plastic infront of him, and then said, 'haha, gummy bears.. hee" with a broad smile across my face... he wanted to snatch it at first, but my reaction was fast. Then I got more wicked, then he also got more violent! He used violence on me!!!! Must go and sue him!!!! hmpf~!! He snatched it from my hand, after hitting my face! Such a bully right!? Later, I had poked him.. oops.. thats his weak point actually.. =X I kept trying my ways to snatch from him, but snatched back once, he got it back. =( BIG BULLY!!!!! He hit me so many times (I think I hit more.. oopx). Yes, he did a very childish thing, he hide himself in the equipments room, and then tried to do some things which kids usually did then like doing like tempt me, and put inside is mouth! CHILDISH RIGHT!? He did it, and laughed at himself, so stupid right? Other than violence, he, benhai, hubby played 'rugby', 'softball' with my candies! Ben hai also too much, did a 'touchdown' on my candies... =( I kept hitting shifu, and benhai with the 'bat' on my hand... hahaha =X it was super stupid, it was full of laughters, all because of the childish guy... snatching candies from me.. hmpf~! (but my fault to go and tempt him =X) Yes, he even used the bear as his 'hostage' -.- lame right? He took at least 18 bears from me... I will get this back from me! hmpf~! WEDNESDAY I will buy!!! and I wont let you eat!!!! hmpf~!!! Other this gummy bears incident, it is the ah hai thing.. oops.. haha... Ben hai was so bad.. he took ah hai's photo and his xmen then played a shooting game! =.= it was so funny, only you were there then you will understand... Ben hai its also so childish! 3rd thing that happened was ELMO... she came into the room, the very first thing I shouted before she could say anything is, "Mdm Suzana, I miss you, I love you, got miss me mah?" Haha.. the teachers inside were like =.= they could not take it... then shifu sarbotage me! He asked me to help ElMO, then I said I will, if you said you miss me! hee.. =X Then later the idiots started to tease me! Said, definately will miss me, cause I am short, then the ben hai started saying, the fact is that I am short, the very fact is I am very short, opinion is I really very short... =.=!!!! I could not defend myself! Today, just a short day but it really gave me lots of memories... =) GUMMY BEARS ON WEDNESDAY NOT FOR MY SHIFU!!!
Today other than happy, there is a little of sadness and guiltiness... It was a fight between responsibilty, and 'bear to leave'. I joined bball that day, because I wanted to learn bball properly, and play bball. In Poly, is the best time, and lose its ok, because its the same, so there isnt any stress but a good time to learn. Enough of these, but I was having so much fun in the PE room, and 4.30pm I supposed to meet them but shifu hide my phone, then soon delay and stuffs, sms ah fang to say I cant make it, then ah fang persuaded me, then I felt the urge of going, but 'bear to leave' pull me back. Later, shifu asked me why I so depressed, then he added on saying, you alwys wanted to play bball right? Then why are you feeling so depressed? He said about passion, commitment because I told him about the distance. And he said one very cucial thing, "dont care your tudi!" Think for awhile, the two fighting in my mind, makes me like want to cry, so I went out. Facing the bball court, think and think and think... I couldn't make any decision. Thinking that I had already missed so much trainings for wushu, I think I shouldnt make the same mistakes for bball, then I decided to go though 'god will was not to go.' But I followed my mind or heart? -shrugs- Rushed down through cab, borrowed $20 from shifu, $20 for the whole journey -.- Quickly changed into my jersey and look at the match. 1st half over, and then I was asked to play next! -.- Was worried and dont know what to do. Overall still alright, RP won... =) I still need to do alot of ball drills, coach told one of the player that I had stamina, and good preferal vision. -winks- at shifu, all thanks to him =) I felt guilty cause I didnt go down for all trainings and I almost dont want to come yet Ben put me in. -shrugz- ^o) Oh yes, my jersey is super big, though it is small! I will show you guys if I can.
Work on sunday, was alright. I learn abit about the cashier thing. Still the same thing, I am the -.- person. Nothing much, but met a very hard customer. Was biting my lips! Irritating. Other than that nothing much. Calculated the time wrong, so took cab for work. 1 hour pay is gone for the cab fare -.- =(
Saturday CIP, early morning woke up to go PS to get the donation thing. Did what I supposed to do. Happy to see so many people donated, its difficult to asked from them, but some really came over themselves and donated $2. I am glad to see there are actually so many helpful person in Singapore. What I hate most was, some parents really only want their kids to learn to be good citizen when they are taught in school. Walked over to some parents, infront of their kids, said NO, and shooed me away. They are not setting good example at all. -shake heads-
Nothing to blog, finished about what happened on these 3 days. A song for you:-
All Out Of Love - Air Supply
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too, but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry
your smile in my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today
doesnt really know,
doesnt really know
I'm all out of love,
I'm so lost without you
I know you were right
believing for so long
I'm all out of love,
what am I without you
I cant be too late
to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I cant hold on
Theres no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or
I'll be gone,
I'll be gone
I'm all out of love,
I'm so lost without you
I know you were right
believing for so long
I'm all out of love,
what am I without you
I cant be too late
to say that I was so wrong
Oh,
what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh,
what are you thinking of?
I'm all out of love,
I'm so lost without you
I know you were right
believing for so long
I'm all out of love,
what am I without you
I cant be too late
to say that I was so wrong
I'm all out of love,
I'm so lost without you
I know you were right
believing for so long
I'm all out of love
what am I without you
I cant be too late
to say that I was so wrong
I'm all out of love,
I'm so lost without you
I know you were right
believing for so long
I'm all out of love,
what am I without you
I cant be too late
to say that I was so wrong
4:23 AM
Friday, October 01, 2004
Hmm.. Hubby... you are right... just like my first day of work... I smsed Mr Teo telling him about how I love to study now... and I guess I will treasure my school times now...
Anyway, today work I learn something... Maybe it was my fault that I tried to stereotype the whole thing... I was outside the shop, tending outside... when I saw Mabel, she showed me a emotionless face... I was quite upset about it... but after a while, suddenly I think... when she showed me such face, I get upset... therefore if I were to show the same face, definately she will return the same face right? So I think again, it wasnt her fault at all, but rather it was my own fault... Yes, though I couldnt got used to working, but I should also try to put on a fake smile or rather put on a mask... I didnt and obviously, my boss will have another impression of me... and I kept blaming her.. I guess this is really my bad... I am shy, I am sensitive, I am a quiet person, dao person when I am at a unfamiliar place, and that is me... if I cant change these... then in the first place, I shouldnt blame people for stereotyping me.. They cant judge me if in their eyes I am so quiet, I look so scared... they only can listen to the others which they have a choice to believe or not... Well, after the whole thing, I really realise everything it was my fault.. I am the one whole make the whole thing turns ugly, then I start to blame others for it and then hate to go to the place and then hate to see those people... Yes.. it was all my fault! There is no doubt about it... ... ...
Whatever it is, today work makes me learn something new :)... I mean all this is the same in school, but in school the people can judge you easily, and they have a longer time to judge you, also they can easily change impression of you... last but not least, in school, when certain people think you otherwise, there are other group who knows you.. but in workplace, it is different.. the boss have many other things to do.. if the boss think of you badly, you create a black mark for yourself.. and when you hate the boss, the colleagues.. you tend to hate going to work, going to work with a even lousier attitude.. then soon you be sacked! Especially when you are in customer service.. Ok, other than this, I realise now I more dare to approach people, I also dare to project my voice to approach customer.. well.. improvement.. :)
Ok, got to go sleep soon.. have to wake up early tomorrow... -boring- No choice.. for the sake of my NYAA.. this is the sacrifice that I got to make...
11:50 PM
oh com on.. I will be gone in 15 mins time... I need to go to a stupid, sucky, asshole place.. and that is my working place... this sucks right? Yeah! It sucks to the core... For this whole week I was the happiest person... until yesterday and today.. and tomorrow and sunday.. and monday... fuk it! I want to go back ES...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its so much fun there... hahaha... Anyway, I going to sink into deep depression for this 2 weeks man!!! Really!!! No much time for me to go back ES... got to finish teaching and help Neng li... so got to sacrifice my time... then I still need to go to work... and there is bball matches coming on... and so many things... and WORSE OF ALL.... SCHOOL IS STARTING!!!!!!!!!!!!This really sucks right? Yesh! Indeed it sucks to the core... it is sucking my energy... and it makes me super dread to go to schoool... oh fuk it... can time just stop here now!? Or rather stop when it was on monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday... when it was my happiness moment...!!!??? Can!? haiz.. I really hate all these man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time really flies so damn fast... F....U....C.......
11:21 AM
