Life is a series of problem. What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one."
Will I be strong enough to accept it and my life wont be difficult? This year, is fully filled with downs. When will it ever be gone?
Will I be strong enough to handle and accept it?
Am I strong enough to do everything right? Will I?
Friday, December 31, 2004
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10:30 PM
I must remember what I said to you! I must not give up! Must not get affected in any way! No matter what I must be what I want, what I had decided! I must be determined!
Today is New Year eve, what happened in the morning? I reported work at the wrong hour! I supposed to be working in the noon yet I went in the morning. Thats rather stupid actually, haha! I couldnt stop laughing at my own stupidity and actually told my tudi and hubby and 'daddy' about it. haha!
Really got no customers at all, but I learned how to work at locker. =) I guessed I will just stay a little longer at WWW. I left early due to the bad weather. I am here blogging my stupidity and soon I will go and have my beauty sleep. =)
Also, maybe will try to complete what I always wanted to. Alrightx... sleeping time! =)
3:44 PM
Thursday, December 30, 2004
I think only gua and js will understand what I am going to say... I am so upset that I could not complete what I want in this year. I am such a letdown. -sighx- Maybe I have never wanted to do it? I am so disappointed in myself. -sighx-
Work tomorrow at 9am. There is something I have yet to collect since last week. I have something to do since feb. Test on Tuesday and Thursday and what I have really studied? So many things undone and I am now like a corpse. Lying on the bed, looking at my laptop, and blogging here.
Feeling so tired again. Just feel like sleeping for 24hrs then maybe I will be full of energy. I have no rest at all. I am going to slog for the next 3 days at WWW. How stupid can I be to be working when 3 days time, I will be schooling? 9-5, 12-6, 1-9. -shrugx-
I need some laughs..... gua make me cold!!! Js.. make me feel idiotic!!!
9:41 PM
I really doubt that I am ready for work tomorrow. Not mentioning school in another 3 days time. Having test on the 2nd day of school, not fully prepared and 4th day of school and I am not in the mood of doing any things. Will I be ready in 3 days time? Still feeling very down. Tears gathering. I ponders... will my life be back alive?
8:35 PM
Am I really the caused of everything? Have I dragged everyone down? Have I? I dragged the innocent people down. She1 might leave the country, She2 might not care, She3 might not understand, but is it because of me that I dragged everyone down? Even He1 and He2? If it is, I just wished I am the only one who are involved, not anyone else? They are the innocent ones. Why everything had turned so ugly now? I am already sad enough to be in this situation and I dont wish to drag anyone down with me. It just seemed that I had bloody hell dragged all.
This is the end of everything? Everything turns so ugly... why is it so? Why must this ever happened? .................................................................................
I dont wish to cry anymore... cried enough... ..................
To all... She1, She2, She3, He1, He2... I am really sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont meant it this way! I dont want it this way!
2:20 AM
Theres nothing much I can say anymore.... I had failed another test... what else can I say? Can I still pull up the damn grades? Or I am going to flunk this semester????
1:24 AM
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
I really wonder in life are there things really that important for you to sacrifice yourself or even tolerate everything just because the thing is just so important to you that you cant bear to lose? I really ponders...
11:34 PM
Monday, December 27, 2004
Why cant I just grow up?
"xlaoQueen says:
hmmm, i mean IVP is no big deal lor...if you really love bball right? it is not abt just representing the school... but also... play for friendly, trainings, and all other tournaments....
xlaoQueen says:
yeah know what i mean?
xlaoQueen says:
dont join bball for the sake of IVP, but for the passion and, then thru your passion then attend all the match and though ming fen is just not representing but, you are doing what you like..
xlaoQueen says:
the most you need is your love and passion for bball. i think."
Talking to Mr Teo about it too. I guessed from his tone he is also upset that I still didnt learn. I am still like a small kid like in the past. Thinking others dont deserve and always thinking I joined a sports is to be in a team and not because of my passion and self improvement. xIaoqueen and him both talked the same thing. Why I couldnt think of that too? I joined bball for the right purpose, and why did I go back to my own way!?I joined bball was because I love to play and I want to learn. Why am I upset now for the wrong reason? I joined because of that so I shant be bother by so much since I cant get into the team. I still got my jersey and so why think so much!? I joined for the right reason, so I should stay for the right reason and finally I should not get upset!
Its my love and passion for the game that I joined the CCA and so I should just stay because of it and nothing else... ... I should not let it go haywire... I need to be focused of the reason of why I join bball... and there goes the same for netball... I join because of passion and self-improvement! Keep focusing on that...
11:40 PM
Mr Teo called me just now. At first was just talking about tommorrow and I was too tired from work and my nose was blocked again, therefore sounded a little sick. Then we talked about this morning when he smsed me and I didnt reply him. He thought I was still sleeping but I was busy serving those customers.
At this point of time, we got into a serious talk. He questioned me am I really in need of money? Straightaway I said no. I am unlike some of my colleagues whose parents requested them to work due to their financial problem or when their parents dont give them money as allowance. I think my dad once said before dont work now, do well in my studies first. Anyway, thought one bank account is empty but another is abut 3K. I dont really in need of those money.
We carried on talking about the same issue. He said, its bad to be making work as a routine and actually it had become one of my routine. I realised in this holiday, other than the chalet, camp, trainings the other time I spent was working. I actually 'pia' a few time to work. One example is during the chalet, I went to work straight. Another one was after the camp, I work the next day after the camp. Another one was after the Ubin trip, I work after the day I came back from Ubin. I guessed I really 'pia' alot! And I dont know why am I working so hard for.
He actually asked me to quit my job. Seriously, whatever bad points about this job he said, actually shoot directly at what I am facing, feeling and thinking. I have gain enough experience and seriously at this point of time I am actually trying to make friends rather than to really work and gain experience. I should quit and either work elsewhere or do other things to get more other kind of experience. True enough, I am isnt learning much now. And I should just break. I am still new, still can afford to keep trying new things...
After a while, I think. When I started school, I had a tuition to increase my money. Therefore, I decided already, I am not going to work that much when school starts. More or less I will just work twice a month or 3 times a month? I am not in need of money just that I want to save some money. A month my dad gave me $200 and about $80 is on transport leaving me with $120 for other stuffs. About $5 is enough for me for a day, but I wont have enough money to save therefore to work is just for my savings and I need not to work that hard for the savings. Furthermore in about 1 month time I will have $1000 or $1500 into my account for bursary and CNY is coming, I will exceed what I targetted. So maybe by that time then I will quit and spend my free time on coaching when it is about Feb and my school terms end and it will be the right time to do new things.
10:08 PM
I think I am still slightly upset that I cant get into IVP for basketball. I can tell my advisor that I am not sad but in my heart I think I am. He emailed us the list of IVP players, though I know I already not selected but in my heart I was still hoping to see my name there. I know I am a new bird, I am still learning therefore I cant get in. Another reason given was because Erushi is a Year 2 so more experienced and aggressive than me. But seriously at this point of time, can anyone feel how I felt? I wasnt big size enough because I know, if I am bigger in size I definately will get in. Some one is bigger size than me, but her stamina really sucks and she is really blur and she got in because our big sized players are very limited. At this point of time, I really hate myself for being so small size and short.
Erushi is just like Siriporn, though go back for to their hometown, they still get into the important tournament. I really wish I could believe that I am still new therefore I am not selected. I really wish to believe that because I am not aggressive enough therefore I didnt get in. But the moment I saw the list I just felt so upset about it. I dont know why, I am still pinning a little hope that someone will keep missing her trainings and I will take over. I am still pinning the little hope, is this very unhealthy? I really dont know, but I really wish there is a miracle that I will get in!
Though this is my first time getting into Basketball CCA but so much so much that I wish that I could get into IVP. This is the first time I dont get in for a inter-school tournament from primary school till now. Badminton in primary school I got in for 2 years. Netball in secondary school I got in for 2 years. Netball in RP, got in the 1st year. Basketball, the first year I failed to do so. Can anyone feel the kind of sadness in me? I really pinnning the last hope till the day of IVP, is it very unhealthy to be pinning this hope? -sighx-
6:19 PM
I just love this chalet. Like what Mr Teo said, it will be an unforgetable one. I thought the target will be Mr Teo or Perrine, but who knows, me this cute and pathetic one was the target for both days! He actually lead the rest of them to sarbo me too! Anyway this chalet really makes me feel no sorrow because it was just fun and fun and more fun...
1st day
Went to school early in the morning. Supposingly to be doing work, but I didnt do much. Went for a movie after that. Enjoyed the show, but it was so lame that I find it too ridiculous near the ending. But seeing those wushu movements, make me feel slight regret of giving up because of bball. Anyway, after movie we just went for our late lunch at Fish & Co.
Well, then we went for the chalet! I kept thinking this chalet will be quite bored and I might flared up any moment. I guess I was really wrong about it. We reached the chalet. The first thing that happened was about the 'raping' case! They sarbo me the moment I stepped in. Well, I just start to fight with Perrine. We really fight so much that I was panting at the end of the fight.
Soon, we started A&A. Both the teachers taught us how to play and stuffs. It was so lucky that me and my tu di were Allies and the CHIJ, Sai and Jane was the Axis. The teachers came out with a deal that Dua hai is not allowed to give hints to Sai and if he does that, both my hubby and shifu will give hints to us. The game goes on and on and on.... Sai kept singing her 'wan zai xiao man tou song' and other songs, Mr Teo actually record down into his recorder. It was so funny!
DUa hai couldnt make it and he went back home. The game just keep dragging till very late. Due to the early dinner, Mr Teo and I were very hungry. The stupid Perrine kept dont want to admit defeat and so the game keep dragging till 2am plus? I was really very hungry that I dont feel good already but just keep waiting and waiting. Until the point when Mr Teo just said lets go and eat, then we just stopped the game. My hubby went back home and so the rest of us just squeezed into his car. I ate so much! I ate 1 and a half bowl of porridge. I ate very fast too. =x
After that, we went to 7-11. I get my HL milk because usually when I am hungry I will just drink milk. Js got herself 1 ice cream, and as usual Mr Teo dont allow people to eat in his car. Js just tried her best to eat finish. Sai helped her at the very end. Our way back to the chalet! Js and I quickly finished that idiotic Sai. Mr Teo slept. Finally the game end, and we played a stupid game, Guess the number. Mr Teo woke up and joined us, by putting the number. Forfeit is to drink the stupid drinks. In the end, we stopped the game and we play daidee, loser is to drink. Haha!!! I managed to make him drinK! I had the same number of cards but he got the dee and so he lost! He had to drink it! BUT I got my retribution, I was made to drink it and stupid Mr Teo made the drink so disgustinG! Marshmellows + potato chips! I just could not drink it because I already feel like vomitting and indeed this drink make me vomit all out! Soon the game stopped.
I think before the game, or maybe after I was actually in the 'hell' when mr teo is the ghost guard! I think I 'offended' him and I just heck and keep 'offend' him because I thought I can escape by going up the bed but I was so wrong because of the stupid Perrine TANG! When I want to escape, she pushed me down and said, "tui ni xia qu gui meng guan!" argh!!! I was pushed down so many times. And at a point when Mr Teo act like the black, he covered me up with the blanket and beat me uP!!!!
It was about 5++. Js, Jane, Mr teo and I just went to sleep. Ade and Sai couldnt really sleep and the went to watch sunrise. I know they are going, but I was thinking should I go and in the end I didnt. I just went to sleep. Soon Mr Teo woke up and I saw his look it was so stupid and Js woke up with her stone face! It was so funnY! Later he went off and I just rolled down the bed because stupid Perrine came back wanting to sleep at my place.
2nd day
Haha.. what time did we wake up? I think it was about 1pm. I remember myself waking up at intervals. About 9++ I guessed was when Mr Teo left then woke up at about 10 when Perrine came back then at about 12 when JS woke up and on the TV then finally at 1pm I woke up. At around 2pm I think my hubby asked if we want lunch and he is coming so we ordered our food and I went to bathe.
At dont know what time, my hubby came. He taught them how to play hearts. Then they played hearts. At a later time, we played bridge. Then finally we play A&A again. We played till like about 7pm. Jane's parents bought food for us. We ate and we played. I think about 8++, Mr Teo called, he seemed to be coming. It was about that time he woke up too! Haha! We continued our game and at about 10+ I smsed him if he is still coming then he called. And he asked me to tell my hubby to wait for him! HmpF~! Later he called again to asked 2 of us to go out to help him take things. We went out then realised he bought alot of food and drinks! He bought the same chicken wings like what Jane's parents bought! The noodle is great! It was really very filling.
I ate the satay and I dont know why I just go and poke him. And I not sure what I did, he just act like a black again by poking me! He just did it so many times! The rest of them like watching show and laughing their head off!
After eating so much, all of us just start our madness again! We played guess the number again! Mixing stupid water and I think Mr Teo was the 2nd one to drink it! HAHA... so funny! He tried to cheat by drinking rootbeer! Later he mixed a disgusting water by mixing milk and other drinks to forfeit Adeline! She cried. thats the funniest thing that happened! All of us just laughed and laughed! Even my hubby woke up and laughed! Js helped gua to drink up the disgusting drink!
At one point of time, Perrine was the one who decide the number. We left only 58 and 59. It was either me or mr teo will be forfeit. I just went near to him and pleaded forgivness and 'begging' him to choose 58 because I think Perrine will choose 58! I keep saying, "Mr Teo, I know I am in the wrong already, please dont..." in chinese. In the end he just said 59! Obviously I dead! =( I think at this point of time we changed the forfeit by eating up a plate of rubbish in 2mins. Js came up with this idea and she was the 1st to kena!!!
After the game, we stopped. They started playing Monopoly. I dont really feel well so I didnt want to play. Soon I just slept. I woke up at one point looking at them play then I went back to sleep. Soon the second time I woke up the stopped the game and some of them want to sleep already. Js and Jane went to watch sunrise, I couldnt decide whether to go on not. They left, then I woke up after 5mins, then I decided to go but couldnt find my handphone so in the end, I just went back to sleep! At about 8+ I woke up, went to toilet, came back my space was taken by the stupid Perrine TanG! Irritating! No choice, just slept beside her. My side at least got a pillow, and was sharing blanket with Mr Teo, at Perrine's place was nothing! So couldnt really sleep much. Then mr teo woke up and washed up. Then I asked him what time and it was already 9 therefore I also wake up and start to pack my things. Then not on his way back so I just slept again. Soon about 10 everyone of us just wake up and packed and went back home. Then I went back home then went to work.....
1:13 AM
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Yesterday I went to work after the chalet. I got a little pissed by my colleague and eventually because of this I actually missed Sikin who I once afraid and thinks hard to get along with. I was a little tired after the chalet but I still went for work. When I walked past the shop, there were a lot of people queuing to get into WWW. My first thought is, I will be dead meat!
I could not have my lunch in the early noon. It was so busy that Sikin got to go admin and carnival to help out. I actually can have a early lunch but because of someone who wanted to eat with her friend and in the end she caught stuck in Sharkbay. I was so hungry because I only have milk in the morning. Finally at about 4.45pm I can go for my lunch!
Another thing that actually pissed me off yesterday was another colleague. We are in retail shop, our purpose is to serve customer. Like what Sikin always told me, even you are in your lousiest mood, you got to serve them with a smile. I was packing the messy wagon. At the same time, I was trying to serve one customer who was trying to see the sizes of the shirt. She came out, the first thing she said was, "Are they allowed to take out the shirt?" The customer wasnt at all happy. She didnt want to serve her, fine. She commented that in front of her? When I went in, i told her later she complain then you know. After that I went in again, she actually told YP what happened and YP said, "if I am isnt wrong, I dont care the customer to complain." At that point of time, I was really upset but I care less I just went out to pack another wagon.
I was the cashier for the 2nd shift. The mistakes I made wasnt really big. I forgot to key in a few items in the POS system. But due to that, wasted quite a lot of time in trying to get items to key into the POS.
Reached home at about 10++ and didnt manage to have dinner. In the end got some food, so ate those. But still hungry so cooked the cup noodle. Later felt very sleepy, and I just sleep. Anyway, had a great talk with Mr Teo and I cried.. hahaha... :x
2:49 PM
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Will I forever felt this way when school term is starting? I am not feeling any happy for the past few days. I am feeling really sad and my heart just not at ease. I could feel the weight inside my heart but I really dont know how to lessen this weight. My mind just could not read heart at all and clear the messy and weak heart.
Sooner or later I will taste my salty tears again. Today actually I almost told my supervisor that I want to quit my job. I feel I have no commitments in this job now, I do not wish to be look as an irresponsible individual but if I quit now I really will not have much working experience. I am starting to face what a working person will experience. Also, in future if I feel that I have no commitments in the job then I quit? Wont I be like a quitter? Just these two things pop up when I was thinking about to quit. I decided to give myself some more time, but I really wish that I wont get sacked before I make my decision.
I was so afraid to tell Azman that I want to change my shift, I kept pondering. Should I tell him or act as an irresponsible idiot by faking a MC on that day? I couldnt set my mind at all. I was just so afraid that the fear just keep growing. Soon, another side of me came up and said, "Dont let fear paralyse you." (said by mr teo) then Sikin just told me, you cannot stop fighting just because you forget your sword. If you still have the interest, just stay. I need to be strong and brave. At the end of the day, I saw him, I straight away told him. I felt a little relieved.
Working in WWW is a good experience and indeed I start to learn new things and slowly I am getting along with them even Alan. But it is really tiring to be working. Standing for a long period of time and attending to the customers. Especially when you are just being scolded by customers or even when you did something wrong. I could feel the stress of doing cashier especially after the bad experience. I realise I am not facing the reality now, I am trying to be a coward, forever trying to do the easy way out. It is really tiring. STudying but they arent that tired then work? SOmetimes I really hope to have another chance to go back Secondary school to start everything again. I wont care to be laughed at a 17 year old girl studying sec1 but I really hope I can. But all these are just fantasy that wont happen because I had missed my chance already. This is my punishment for not cherishing it when I was still 13. Now I am a independent individual who are allowed to choose what I want, no longer teacher deciding. I really felt lost at times, really lost. Now in RP, I hope I wont repeat the same old mistake when a lot of times I really feel like giving up and let time just pass by but when I thought of me working everyday in WWW just wake me up or even when I remember the time when I received my O level results. The time when I promised myself not to cry but in the gym when Mr Teo broke the news to me, what happened to me!? I just need to carry on though my results now is really bad and very demolising. But I still got another term to buck up. Really hope I can.... hope... wish... pray...
Really packed. Work, study, training, friendlies, meeting or doing that thing. I really dont know, maybe like what adeline said, I am tired already. I need some rest. How I wish now I am at East Coast Park feeling the sea breeze, listening to the waves, looking at the stars. To be living in a moment of peace, freedom and relax time. I cant wait till 23rd which is 2 more days to go. I want to be lying on the breakwaters and do what I want to do.
I know I cant finish what I want to do by 23rd but no matter what I am going to rush it by end of this year. I am not going to drag till next year.
Like I said, I will taste my tears. I tasted it when I talked about my studies. I guess receiving my O level results was really a big impact for me. I could really just teared when I think about it or talked about it.
Guess talked about 1/2 of my heart problems? I dont know... I cant read it at all... stop here already. In another 6hours time I will be on my way to Unity to have bball friendly.
1:40 AM
Monday, December 20, 2004
You might not realise that the amount paid for your O level is quite expensive. The year before I think my parents had paid $300++ for my O level. Just to let you know, it is by paper basic, just 1 paper can cost you $70! I really hope all of you will really help your parents to save money by doing it well and so you wont have to pay another extra money... though this year paper I paid myself, but thinking back is so stupid to be wasting my dad's money on paying $70 to fail my english paper? And physics paper I failed it and I forgot how much it cost!? Its stupid to be paying Cambrige to fail the paper. People, I failed to realise that when I was sec 4, I really hope you all will not do the same like me. Wake up now and start studying now.
For this 2 weeks, you all have no trainings, I really hope you guys will start preparing for next year. You need not chiong like shit, but maybe recapping on what was taught this year and doing your notes for this year topics. By doing so, you will have enough time to finish your notes and revising for your next year topics. You wont have time to revise this year topics! You have a huge amount of topics to be covered next yeaR!
BEAR in MIND... O level isnt cheap! $70 for a piece of paper and you failed it you will regret!!! $70 = to me working for about 16hours in WWW! $70 = 1 month handphone bill!!! SO think about it, $70 isnt easy money!!! Start doing it!!! People, I really do not wish to see my shadow in you and it is really heartening to see that, because I really wished I was given another chance to do it once again. Wake up! Please!
1:53 AM
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Hmm... wat is he looking at?
9:20 PM
Oh.. JJ again... :D heee...
9:17 PM
Hee... JunJie's aunty also so cute like him...
9:11 PM
My hand is so giant right!? Haha...
4:19 PM
My ke ai de nephew... Junjie =)
4:12 PM
Saturday, December 18, 2004
I shall not blog about what happened but talk about how I feel and what I learnt cause I still got to go work soon...
Through this 4 days of camp I learnt a number of things, and realised there are things that I really got to change. Talked about my bad habit first bah...
Mr Leong talked to me about it, the bad habit which is, not eating my breakfast and lunch... I always dont eat when I dont feel like eating and I cant eat straightaway after I wake up because most of the time I will just vomit when I woke up. This action, like what Mr Leong told me, irritated both himself and Mr Teo. Constant reminder from Mr Teo, as a sportsperson I need to know of how to take care of my own body and I myself know if I overexterd myself and I did not eat, I will have headache at the end of the day. Also, my mother had always reminded me to eat but I dont really care. Well, maybe I should really try and eat straight after I woke up. I already can change the habit of not breakfast, now I should try and change the habit of eating it earlier also when I dont feel like eating, I should just eat. If I always wake up late, maybe on the way to train station I will just eat the energy bar. When I eat once, I realise actually the bar is nice so maybe I will just get that and eat every morning. I can just eat my normal meals but just remember to keep exercising which I did so I should not just worried about getting fat.
Eating again. I keep eating 'rubbish' and not main meal. I can still eat those 'rubbish' provided I always eat my main 3 meals. =) I think other then these, nothing much? Lets talked about what I learnt...
Cheryl is like me, I can point out the mistake she had that day but I know deep in my heart I am like her. I tend to look for help when I was given a task. The best example is, the Year end carnival. I took up the challenge to be the coach of the day. I was given the task to decide everything. At the start, I was still quite dependent on him, then when I realise he doesnt want to help then I realise I was really on my own, I got to be independent. But I wasnt really independent at all, I actually did approach Js for help, just like Cheryl looking for help. This is one of the example that I realise that I need to buck up on. I need to be decisive on my own.
Leaders need to be trusted. Well, through the netball carnival I realised I did not get full trust at all, even before I accpeted the task. Adeline wanted Panda to do the job when I said I wanted to, this showed that she trusted Panda to do the job and not me. Well, I myself also dont really trust myself. This is something a leader cant have.
One good cum bad thing point that I have... I love to lead therefore I always happy to be leading. But I always dare not to volunteer myself because I am afraid of the tongue wagging. Actually this is also part of decisive, when I was appointed, I was happy but always wait to be appointed and how many percent will I get appointed? This is also something I should change. If I want to lead, then just volunteer myself, being initiative.
Enthusiasm - I guess for this I have no problem with this. Whenever I am given the chance to lead, I really love the job and will try my best though at times I will have the fear.
Self-awareness - I guess I am still alright with it... well but for self-regulation I think I sucks at that. Actually I really could see self-regulation in Mr Teo in this camp. At certain times, I really could see him being upset with something but when he is with the teachers, his mood changes, he doesnt bring the sadness or angriness with him. Now I really understand what is self-regulation, I think this is also one of the major problem I have.
Followers' characters is the extention of the leaders' character... I fully agree with this. Though I laughed at Mr Teo a number of times because of this sentence but in my heart I really agreed fully. He is my leader since sec 2, and from that time till now, I really learned alot from him. Not just only netball skills, but character, things that I cant find in books or anyone else. (Mr Teo, remember you asking me on Monday why I wanted to be a coach? One of my reason is because of you.) I didnt realise I learn so much from him till I went into RP. When I am in RP facing with a new team, I actually realised that I learn alot from him because I tend to realise that some of their mentality is how the current sec1 is thinking. I just do not know how to explain, but really, I think I learn alot from you. This camp, really showed how much value you put into the netball girls. Some of the good values that the girls showed, I think is really what you have taught. The 'mengness' in them is what you coached them. They dared not to comaplain because they were once punished when they complained. All of us, just 'bu zi bu jue' learn from you.
Communication... I think I shouldnt have a problem in that? I not sure but I think I will keep this in mind.
I want to be a LEADER and not a MANAGER!!! I got to take the initiative to do things. Well, I have at least 1/4 of initiativeS? I need to improve more on this too.!
I think more or less is here. I really want to thankx mr teo for giving me this chance to learn from their experience. Also, this camp really let me learn quite a lot. =)
Anyway, Mr Teo, Why do I want to coach? As I said, part of it was because of your influence, and I want to teach and I like netball therefore I want to take up this challenge to coach. Other reason, maybe I still got to think?
11:49 AM
Friday, December 10, 2004
I got to make a very hard decision now... in a very hard position to choose... like what Mr Leong said... I am not decisive at all... I think after this.. I really have to learn to be more decisive... Well, I dont know how long can I drag this thing on, but for the time being I really hope to put this aside as I got a task on hand to handle, which is the Sunday's carnival. I accepted this task, therefore I really wish to do this nicely and hopefully produce a result. Hopefully, I can drag the matter... which maybe someone will disagree...
Sunday's carnival is really a dilenma also, two main points to consider...
1. Whether to win
2. Or to let everyone to get experience
Also, is to decide whether to try out new things and to let the girls get used with their teammates or to let Eileen play so as to compensate the losses during the O's...
There are really a number of things to be reminded of.. and maybe I should get my own objective or rather mr teo's then decide how I should play the players..
Well, thing happenED... but still rather awkward... hope it is just today... and.. I wont do it again... really very tired today... going to sleep soon after blogging about today...
Went for my 1st bball training at RP... well super dread of going... woke up, brush teeth, pack while doing all these I kept thinking of not going because I was very tired... then nana smsed me.. then I go... in the train was really dreading... but no choice... then later trained...well sprained my right ankle... this time round is worse than the previous sprained... no swollen but painful at certain movement... and it really aches from my knee down to my foot...
I dont know if my lay-up is right... but I suddenly realise that I can do it... as in ratehr easy... hmm... hopefully is right... my shooting... not too bad.. thou at the start alot of air ball... hmm... applied suntan lotion.. yeah no effect.. stupid!!!
Ok.. went back ES... well start was really bad.. or rather this trip wasnt any good... I really dont wish to mention much lar... -sighx-
Really lar.. I need to get off 2 bad habits of mine...
1. Indecisivness
2. Attitude!!!!
Also, to bear in mind... I got a decision to make! And a task to do!
10:13 PM
Hmm.. being sensitive??? SO many things happened... then I think I am a bit of sensitive over everything... I really dont know.. and I cant analyse anymore... therefore I think I shant assume much also? I just hope everything will just stop here... -sighx-
1:50 AM
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Well... not a good day... guess was because of the thing... sighx... woke up rather early to check my mail and result is negative... then I went to work... was really tired and mind not clear... then when I reached my workplace I see no one... I was like 'what to do?' I dare nto approach my supervisor, alan... then I went to my locker and I am so glad to see sikin! =) I followed her back to the office... then Alan asked her if she can handle locker and she said yes.. then Alan said because Kim An on MC... then no one to handle locker... well... then Sikin said, then Yunru alone at retail? Alan, "thats the problem... she can handle but she will panick when the customers become 7.." I was there laughing... and in the meantime, thinking hmm.. know me so well... though he didnt really interact with me that often... in the end, really I was the only one in Retail... i was really afraid... but there is nothing i could do... and I thought i will forget and i always hate using the walkie and picking up phone but I guess because I was alone, I really got to depend myself and well... I am surprised that actually I remember a few of the things and also in a very worried situation, I used my walkie! and.. I picked up the phone... I did all the things I dare not, I afraid of... =) I am glad that I was put into this lousy situation... Actually now I am a bit more confident also... =) More or less now I know what to do and stuffs... =) Today joked with Mabel too.. ahha.. 1st time? Joked quite a few with Alan... yeah.. Issac came over to help due to the lack of manpower.. he came into the room where I was with Alan... then arh... stupidly Issac came in and disturb me.. then we two 'fight' then later when I asked for my salary.. I said I was guai.. then Alan said.. "if you are guai.. then in the 1st place you wont fight with Issac.." I was -.-... and because of my bad hearing.. he kept disturbing me... well.. felt more relieved.. because slowly getting well with the colleagues... =) hope things become better.. and I guess I really got to open up myself more at the start of meeting new people....
Well... when there was no customers... i will just think of the thng.. and then think that i should handle it in the other way round.. but it was too late.. -sighx- i am really afraid... you 2 be angry.. -sighx... what must i do that... sighx... so what can i do to save this friendship???
8:35 PM
I want you to be my friend,
and yet I vent my anger on you.
When things happened,
then I start to 'fan'.
I should really 'jian tao' myself.
You are someone who I always
look for when I need help,
someone who I can have fun with,
someone who 'wakes me' up from bad things,
someone who I really look up to...
and now... I did that... -sighx-
So what should I do?
Sorry once again... ... ...
Well... gotta rush to work liao... byex...
8:24 AM
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Alright... better write a better blog... enough of poems... hahaha... Well, as you can see, many things just happened within a few days or even just for a while... Let me summarise everything, as thats what I always did...
The sports injury talk just sucks because it didnt really teach what I want to know... the sports taping is like so weird, I remembered it was a figure of 8 and what she taught was a figure of 6... shrugx...
Studies, hmm... not very well done actually... only got an A because of the help from Mr Teo... asked him for help and he helped and well, my RJ was rated well done and then I got that A.... Thankx! =) owe you another one... anyway, now is holiday, therefore I should just try and forget about studies other than my Econs and POA...
This week fully booked... either netball or bball if not than is working... hardworking yeah? Hahaha... next week dont know how to let Azman know when I free or when I not free because till now I still not sure also... shrugs... because I really hope to join them for the 1star kayaking but not sure is it allowed or not also... and I have been cheated, because my pay is short of about $30... last week was $12 now $30... damn it... just feel like quitting if such things happen again... maybe get a school and coach...
NYAA - physical recreation completed.. but need Benjamin Seow to sign for me... and my adventure camp also completed other than writing it down on the book and ask my hubby to sign... therefore still half completed...
Nothing else other than Ubin... Well.. I really just want to say thank you for the guys for helping me out in this Ubin trip.. well because like what Mr leong said, this chalet was really because of me that have 1.. then also actually can pay $12 in the end pay $20 also because of me... Guys and my dearest hubby... thank you very the much.. and also.. sihua... thankx alot...
Have a great talk and fun with some of the guys... He you, boon, ben and ah wei... finally got the time to catch up with he you again.. its really fun to talk to him.. and yes.. he is an idiot.. smsing me in the chalet when we are sleepiNG, and wake us up!!! Boon... well once agian, playing card games with him and hubby and sihua... and panda... have fun too.. then ben... hmm.. rather alrights.. and abel to really talk lar... then ah wei.. joker lar... haha.. hubby.. caring lor.. whahaha :x... and yes.. wont forget our swimming wrestling!
Land expedition... I am happy that I remembered jiahua telling me to brng backpack.. and I am so glad that I dont feel the kind of heaviness on me... and also.. this land expedition the most unforgettable thing that happened was the 1st-aid thing... well.. i treated a casualty... i was really very nervous and scared!!! but when the friends and her keep thanking me.. it just dissolve my nervousnes and it make me smile.. because just felt happy helping people??? hee... rather quiet land expedition... tired bah i guess... didnt sleep much... or rather sleep for 3-4hrs?
Hmm.. this trip just so nice... that I felt like going back again.. actually.. and also feel like kayaking again... and having the fun in the water... hmm... :) thankx hubby once agian.. i will thank you once agian when I complete my nyaa...
ANyway.. working tomorrow.. so i need to bathe and sleep soon..
11:13 PM
I guess I really cant get over the part that I am a fool for so long... that actually it dampen my mood everytime when I remember or things just remind me... -sighx- I realise being friends is really hard... each other is different individual and own character and yet have to be friends... both have to compromise and accomodate.. but if each other fail to do this then things happen... or when is only 1 party who always do that... and when that party realised that the other party have did something wrong.. the 1st one definately will get so damn pissed or fed up.... this is so sad... could someone just help me to solve this?
PROMISE? I hate this word for now... I dont know why... but I hate to see this or hear this... I think promise are just meant to be broken right!?
"If you meant to hide it from me,
then hide it cleanly from me.
Making sure nothing will be spilled.
If you want to say,
then say it now,
I dont wish to be the one finding out,
I hate this kind of feeling,
a feeling of hopelessness,
feeling of foolishness,
to be believing you always..."
"If you know you cant promise,
then never promise.
Dont make us assuming that you are willing,
please stop treating me like a fool.
I have enough...
of all your nonsense..."
*These are just words of harshness... because I really got dman pissed...*
"Dont force or,
Dont beg.
If it is not meant to be,
it will never be.
If is yours,
passing any obstacles
it will be.
Just let it go,
if it is fated,
it will return,
if it dont,
just forget..."
Haha.. guess when a person is really down or things just happen, you can easily compose poems or things like that... Haha... a composer... =) Anyway, well... like what adeline said... suddenly i am so emotional.. haha.. yes... guess problems just make me soo...
"I am sorry for what I've did,
I know I shoulnt, but I did,
I tried to control, but I cant,
I am sorry for what I done,
Can you forgive once again?
I know I am in the wrong,
I am sorry, please forgive. "
Well, another poem... for those people who I ignored in the evening... I am sorry...
10:39 PM
Monday, December 06, 2004
So muchiee to blog... know what? On Friday, I was so happy that I really jump and sing to myself on my way to ES... see the happiness in me? hahaha... Cant remember much, just remembered that I wrote quite alot in my NYAA book with the help of my dearest hubby... =) hee.. panda joined us in the later part...
About my Ubin trip, I think I will only blog it when I am free.. but somethings I want to blog first... 1st of all after this trip I had a very bad hearing now... my ear now hurts and the sound from the surrounding is muffled... it is really painful and irritating... 2nd, is that I realised that I got a number of bruise on my leg... I dont know how I gott but it was like 5 on my left leg.. and 1 on my right leg... -.- 3rd... I developed rashes on my body.. and it sucks.. cause it is very itchy... I think I need to go consult doctor tomorrow... because I am just so worried about my ear...
I realise one thing too.. I have been treated liek a fool for a very long time... I am kept in the dark for so bloody long time... it really hurts that I teared.. but well... I am really tired now.. have to work tomorrow somemore.. will go and sleep. and continue other day...
10:11 PM
Friday, December 03, 2004
Sometimes it is really hard not to give up, or rather got the intention to give up. Especially when everything is going against you... I still remember the times when I felt so happy about everything and I said, "Happiness will end." I am just so right, my happiness will never last long, when I reach the peak, things will happen... .... YES! It really hit me hard, real hard because for the past 6months I had never fail my UT, this time I failed. I promise myself to get Bs and As, yet I keep getting Cs. Things just dont go well, and sometimes it really hard to take it. Well, good thing is holiday is is another 17 more hours time? Sleep for 7 hours, and left with only 10 hours then spending 2 hours of transport forth and back left with 8 hours then having 1 hour of break is 7 hours. Therefore I only need to study for 7 hours! Yes! Just hang in there for the 7 hours...!!! Then I will be free... free like a bird in the sky... flying happily and freely.. chirping and chirping and chirping... I am a happy bird in the sky... Hope tomorrow can play battelfield =)
NYAA, two more hours for my physical recreation... soon my expedition will be done... =) I only left with new skills and CIP... I am not going to give up on this... Mr Leong, I will prove you wrong... I am not a quitter! I am not! (I just cannot apply this attitude in studies)
Actually december just not a holiday for me too. I need to go back RP for bball trainings or maybe even netball trainings. I want to go back ES for netball trainings ans to help in my NYAA. I got to work and more or less I work on the days when I doesnt have trainings. WAH! Imagine that! -.- Think about it now also scary... :S
U and I arent really that good, I think we just have a gap. I guess I just need to have some time to think. I am tired, need to sleep.
1:16 AM
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Hahaha... not even a month... and... I fall sick again! I am so weak.. yea? Down wuth flu again! What the shit right? -sickx- Just feel like going home.. but guess will stay on in class? But sooo xin ku... :(
10:46 AM
