Life is a series of problem. What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one."
Will I be strong enough to accept it and my life wont be difficult? This year, is fully filled with downs. When will it ever be gone?
Will I be strong enough to handle and accept it?
Am I strong enough to do everything right? Will I?
Monday, January 31, 2005
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11:52 PM
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Oh well.. sort of expected myself wont clear my table.. haha... as usual... guess going wait till next sunday... hahaha.. if not shrugs... Woohoo... one more week.. and I will have my 1 week CNY holidays! Cheers... =) Alrights... going to sleep.. going to school half day.. =)
11:34 PM
Alrights... I am happy... I finished my lesson plan straight after my first blog... =) After that I straight away go and settle my CNY clothes and well I am done.... =) Next is the clearing of my table... oh well, done half already... guess will finish up tonight? I am rather happy because, in the past I will tend to hesistate whether to throw away certain things, but this year I actually without 2nd thoughts I just threw it away. Hahaha... BUT all my things with memories will not be thrown! =) Hungry, hungry... guess will eat soon... =)
5:46 PM
Things I bought yesterday:
1. 2 Nike dri-fit shirt
2. 1 training short
3. 1 3-quarters hip-hop pants
Overall, I think I dont need to buy anymore CNY shirts already. And I dont think I need to buy anything else. Maybe I will just need to repair my watch and if cannot be repaired than buy a new watch. Maybe I need to purchase 1 or 2 more sports bra too... =X
Things waiting for me to do:
1. Lesson plan (Monday)
2. 2 CNY card (Today)
3. SC club room design
4. MINDS game poster (Wednesday)
5. Sports camp t-shirt design
6. Download all my science UT notes
7. 'Springcleaning' my own table and stuffs
Overall, so many things for me to do yet I am still slacking and took a nap just now again... arghh! Thanks adeline for waking me up by smsing me.
Yesterday went to JS's house to watch the video of their game. Seems like they will remember this match for long. I think even myself. For ES going for zonal for 5years, me watching most of the matches for 4 years, I think this one is the most challenging and exciting 1. Well, girls listen, you have not lost the zonal, you are still able to get in so never say die and do your best for all the upcoming matches and no matter what, just go on and on... and dont be so nervous, because your opponent is also desperate to win so they will feel the anxiety too. Well, girls jiayou! =)
After watching the match, Mr Teo wanted to buy CNY clothes too so we followed him. But before that, he discussed a lot of things with them also. I am happy with some thing, but well no need to comment too much about it. =) I am just glad the decision was made. Oh, anyway, finally I asked and finally things are getting started =) Details will be discussed =) There are also still things to ask.
Alright, nothing much to blog already, I must get started to do my things.
11:04 AM
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Its been a long I keep hoping to play with ES again but the chance is never for me... but this is not what I want to blog... The story goes...
She is happy in the morning. She participated in class and keep responding. She did her job for the class discussion. She did everything perfectly well. At the back of her mind, she keeps wondering how are the girls doing and will they be ready. Once again, she packed up everything 20mins before the class end just to get ready to rush off the moment it is dismissal. She even thought of forgoing her grades and leave the class early just to support them even if she is not appreciated.
The time finally arrived, its 3.30pm, keep counting the time if she could make it on time. Finished her homework and quiz and left without a word. Walking really fast to hope she could board the train because she knows at 3.45pm the train comes every 6mins or so. She missed it! She got to wait for 7mins. In the train, kept counting and counting thinking if she will reach or not. Kept wondering what are they doing now, hoping that they are not so nervous.
At around 4.15pm she reached Aljunied. She saw the very first drop of rain, and eventually more drops. She could remember what they always tell her, when she is there it will always rain. She kept praying and praying and praying that it dont rain over there. When it was 4.30pm she felt the anxiety! "It had been so bloody long since I start to have this feeling." she thought. She had never felt this even when she was playing for her own Poly. She was really nervous and kept looking at the time. Finally, "Tampines"
She walked really fast and thoughts filled her mind again. "I have done so much, but have I been appreciated? Am I being dumb to be doing all these?" Very quickly, she could answer all, "This is what you want, what you can be happy of doing and so being appreciated or not is not the question and when you love doing the thing you are not dumb." Doing all these are where my happiness found therefore I am willing. While walking and having all these thoughts, finally she reached the interchange. All the bus had gone, when she decided to flag for a cab, she saw the bus and she quickly board.
On the bus, she still praying hard for the rain not to come at all. She was hoping so hard that the girls had score in because it was already 5pm. Really wondering what had happened. Walking fast into the school. Score was 1 v 2. The battle goes on and on... till the final whistle being blown with a 13 v 13. Tears filled up to the brim of her eyes, but cant cry. The feeling was long long lost the moment she left the school netball team. This feeling was found again today, even though now she wasnt the one playing. It had been months or years she felt nervous, anxious and worried for just a game. The feelings were neevr found when the day she left and it was back again and she knows, she still love the team alot.
I hate to have the feeling of helplessness but it was always occcuring. It really sucks!
1:00 AM
Thursday, January 27, 2005
I think I will just blog a little before I go to sleep. Well, RP had already sent us for the National League. They are going to join in too. I dont know why, just got the fear inside me. I guessed it was all the 3years of experience. Actually, if I were to feel this way, how am I going to set up a club right? My other side was telling me, "Its good that you will play against her, this is a challenge and a good experience right?" But on the other side, it was really bad and it is overcoming my weaker side. How I wish that my weaker side is the negative thoughts, maybe I have yet to learn yet! I shall conquer all these fear in me and not let these fear paralyse me! "I shall not let fear paralyse me!" Maybe, because of the lack of trainings that make me feel all these fear, because when I dont have enough preparation for the competition, how am I going to feel confidence about the whole thing? I reckon this is the reason why I am feeling this way. You had trained for more than 5years already, going for many competitions, carnival and games so why cant you have that little confidence in yourself? When the new year1s come in, you need to prepare yourself that your postition will be gone therefore if you are not confidence in yourself how are you going to fight for your postition when school reopens again? =) Cheer up! Train hard when there is training and do your best! Netball is your passion, and you should fight for it and do well for it. Be confidence!
11:52 PM
woah... Yawning now.. guess sleeping soon? Guess will just bathe and sleep? SHrugs... I am tired... really very tired now.. I shall blog about my stupidity first... Just now my fac, Jessica asked, "Yunru, are alright?" I replied a Yes... then she asked again, "Are you sick?" I said a Yes again... then finally she asked, "Do you wnat to go home early?" I said NO!.. After that I found out I am so stupid... A lot of times when I want to leave I dont know how, and now I was asked to leave.. I said nO!.. ARGHHH!!! gosh!!! how stupid can i get? ANyway, I was super pissed with my classmate and she is like so damn fuking arshole! I shant blog more but I think Jessica knew it? But I just emailed her about today...
Anything else? Hmmm My enterprise got a C+... haix.. no B at all! Darn! FOrget it... I dont expect much for this semester anyway... It just sux to the damn core!!! Hmm... then have a test... and already blog.. so should be nothing else already... Went back school... train... then well.. tomorrow is their match.. a very critical match.. All The best my dearest juniors! Jiayou!!!!
8:55 PM
Yesterday, after I blog at 8pm, I surf the net for a little while and I fell asleep. I wanted to wake up but I think because of my medicines I got to drowsy to wake up. When my mum woke me up to ask me sleep at my bed, I went to my laptop and the first thing I did was, to off it. I was just too tired to surf the net or slack there. Therefore I just off my computer and sleep. I woke up at intervals, 2am and 4am and finally 6am. When I woke up, I was still very tired but I cannot don’t go school because of my UT. I was so tired that I don’t care the time and just board the train going to Pasir Ris so that I could have a 45mins nap, because the moment I stepped out of my home, I had headache already! Oh god damn! Just feel like banging my head against the wall again but it will look so dumb! Luckily my friends didn’t manage to flag any cab before I reach Redhill so joined them for the cab and go for my test.
I just finished my test and I encountered a question and when I see the options of the question I laughed to myself. There are two options that Mr Teo and Mr Leong keep mentioning to me. The following is the question and I shall explained why.
Consider this law: “Cinema-goers need to be 21 years old and above to watch movies with sexual references”. Which of the following would help build a rational argument to alter this law?
a - The law is unfair to teenagers.
b - Youth groups have been petitioning against this law for some time.
c - We can’t make any arguments because it is a law and we are powerless to change it.
d - One can get married at 18 years of age.
Option a: The law is UNFAIR to teenagers. The very first thing that I think of is, “Which idiot tell you that the world is fair?” This option can be chosen but obviously I cant because “Which idiot tells me that the world is fair.” =X
Option c: We can’t make any arguments because it is a law and we are POWERLESS to change it. This sentence Mr Leong will understand, he always tell me that when we are powerless we cant do anything. I was so tempted to choose this too but onviously I cant again. Hahaha… =X
9:47 AM
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Tuesday - Attended half the class and went back. Dont wish to go school but due to my test I went. Wanted to go see doctor but in the end I think there is no need to so I just went back to ES. Wanted to stay for a while till like 4pm then go back but in the end went back at about 6pm. Well, was just asking the 'C' div to do some drills while the 'B' div under him. Really must use force if not they will be quite nua... haha... Anyway, now I will just wait and see how, just let the nature takes it course... If it is mine, it will be... if it is not no matter what it will eventually be gone... so I will just wait, if no comments or what I will just let it be then...
Today, he looks a little 'pengx'. Or rather actually yesterday or maybe after last thursday match. I really wonder what is wrong but if he wants to say, he will say. He keeps repeating the same old thing and really worried. -shrugs- Anyway today the 'B' div have their first match, well the team isnt really up to their standard. Adeline was impressive. Jolene and SW passes not very well. Perrine was too nervous but this time round she could perform unlike the past when she was nervous, her passes will go haywire and stuffs. But Perrine is still too anxious and nevous(sounded like me) Cheryl went in and she got a little anxious but stil not to bad I guess. JS shooting not very good and she got very depressed after every shot missed and being pass back to the defence. HY too anxious and keep rushing her pass. Hmm.. the attacking side got to nervous, they just passed without much looking or passing got too haywire. SIriporn passes also not too well... I think all these are what I could remember... Overall they won, but this game actually can win easily or rather bringing the score difference even bigger. They need to buck up because PRCS, HSC and PLMGS wont be this easy. Court 2, chankat changi vs pasir ris... pasir ris thrashed CCSS.. I think 30 vs 8 or what... -.- Challenging grouping... More to watch.. This coming friday will be PLMGS for the 'B' div and some school with the 'C' div. I shall rush down... guess will pester my brother to share cab with me... hee hee hee.. =x
I am still sick. Went to Polyclinic today. I was charged as 'child' hahaha... The whole cost was just $6.10! Wah cheap! It was half of what I usually paid for my Dr Lee... I guess I will just go Polyclinic from now on. Just now after their match was having rather a bad headache. I just could not stand the pain and knocked my own head against the pillar =x Mr Teo was at the back and didnt know and he 'teach the zhan chuang' -.- hahaha... Seriously, I really think I am too weak already. I think it is not even a month I caught flu again. I think it is really very bad, since last year May, I fall sick easily and really got frequent headahces, got real tired easily also. =S Sianx sianx sianx...
Guess nothign much to blog already.. having test again tomorrow... =S
8:00 PM
Monday, January 24, 2005
I am now declaring sick. Really sick. With a very bad sore throat and very naughty but 'meng' nose which actually ran in 1st! =) hahahaha.... I think adegua will be so shocked to see this. Well, I didnt know how I got this sickness, but then just yesterday night got a very itchy nose then my my throat also itchy then I went bathe then at about 2am went to sleep. When I woke up this morning already dont feel well... and it got worse when time goes by...
Nothing much to blog, but just went back ES for an important task, and well funny! Hahaha... =X Went to Dunman watched some matches, realised that the strong team are getting slightly weaker and the weaker teams are getting stronger. Maybe I should say, the strong team remain their standard and due to the weaker team catching up, we see as though the stronger team is getting weaker. It is not for me to judge also, will see the final results when time ripen.
Tomorrow the girls not having any matches and they will be having training. I have a test tomorrow also. Hopefully I wont have fever if not I will really feel so sick to go to school. I will see how it goes tomorrow, anyway I really did not prepare anything for my test tomorrow. Wish me luck! =)
Soft? Am I really that soft? I asked Adeline and she said yes. I remembered when I was sec2, Karin hated me to the core. I remembered myself being harsh when they were still sec1 but I think I slacked after the netball camp. I think it is because me being slightly close to them. When the word, 'soft' is mentioned, the first thing I thought was, "am I really that soft? I really dont think I am or maybe I dont myself well or maybe I have not showed it out." I think if I want to be harsh I can be harsh, just like if anyone wants to be nice, she can be nice too. All these also goes into planning. I mean, when I am stuck in between, how am I going to plan and think? I fully understand, and I really dont mind you taking back because even I myself want to see some results and I know with your guidance they will be able to do it. I think you are also in the dilenma too because everytime this topic is brought up, we wont talk for long, the topic will change after a very short while. Thursday you mentioned it, but you said you were just joking, after a while you wanted me to train them asap but you didnt mention much also. Saturday, you werent in the right mood to talk about it alsobut you only mentioned that if by next year, this C div cannot perform you will not continue anymore, I see it as you want the team back though when I said you take it back lah, you siad nonsense but I feel like you want them back but we didnt continue from there because you mentioned again the same old thing, me taking the upper. Finally today, I brought up the issue again, once again we didnt talk much but you just mention that, you dont mind but I am too soft. Like I said, I dont think I am but maybe because I dont know myself well? And you said, you cant handle both again, but you couldnt give me the answer.
I think without the opportunity, I will never know the answer. Seriously, yes I do hope to have this chance but I wont mind not doing it as for the sake of you and the school. Anyway, of all I am typing here is just my own feelings and I dont have the intention to force an answer from you or what but I just felt very difficult to be in a middle situation and I also know that you are in that dilenma also.
11:09 PM
its time to study for "O" says:
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its time to study for "O" says:
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?
*.*YuNrU*.* I look so cute right? says:
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its time to study for "O" says:
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-.0
*.*YuNrU*.* I look so cute right? says:
lame
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*.*YuNrU*.* I look so cute right? says:
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its time to study for "O" says:
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its time to study for "O" says:
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9:17 PM
Hmm... in a few days time I think I can declare sick... and I guess I will have my first MC of the year... MY throat dont feel well and my nose is running... =S
8:58 AM
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Wah lau ehx... why is it like this!!!??? When I could not sleep at all then MSN got problem! Oh damn bloody hell!!! I am already bored till hell and then MSN cannot go in!!! arggghhhh!!! How suay can I get!? If this is what happen, then I assume tomorrow wont be a good day for me! Damnx oh damns!!!!
11:11 PM
Oh my god... this is my second sunday that I have waste it on sleeping! I just spend it sleeping the whole day. I am so hopeless! There are so many things waiting for me and I just do not want to wake up and do! Oh nO! What am I doing? I woke up at 12pm I eat my lunch and I think I just fell asleep at about 1++ then woke up at 3.40pm then I fell asleep at about 4+++ and woke up at 7 to have my dinner! I have slept the whole damn day! Bloody hell... so many things awaiting me to do yet I used it on sleeping... I am really hopeless already.... I used to laugh at him about the things he did, and sometimes dislike it but I am doing it myself.. I see his shadows in me... damn iT!
8:41 PM
Oh no, today is Sunday and tomorrow is Monday. Monday blues! Going to have lesson tomorrow and it will be a pretty long day for me. Should I go bball training? It had been pretty long since I last go for it. I shall see how it goes. Tuesday I am going to have my test on Econs again. This time I didnt prepare at all and see how it goes. Hahaha... Tuesday should be the C'div match. Dilenma again. -sighx- Two more weeks I will have my 1 week break! =) Hooooray...
Should I go swimming? Should I go buy my CNY clothes? Just feel like slacking at home again. Oh no... what a lazy poke I am... arghhhh...
1:23 PM
It is a crappy day today, because I had spend my whole day with a crappy person! =) Hahaha... Wake up super early, supposed to meet in the end meet at borders... :S Walked around borders for about 1hour or so? Went to Sim Lim, got my antivirus but didnt get external HDD, then we go to bugis. Walked around and crapx then finally settled down at Sakae and eat. Finally, it is gaming time! =) Back home! =)
Quite tired now. Keep wanting to go swimming but didnt mention to, I supposed tomorrow I shall go myself then. I shall meet up with gua after that to get my CNY clothings. The following will be my CNY items that I wished to get...
1. A long pants (baggy) - less than $50
2. A nike dri-fit - less than $40
3. A bermudas - less than $30
4. A training short - less than $30
I supposed it will be this way? Total of $150! Oh my, oh my! I have less than $150, how am I supposed to get those? I guess my training shorts I got to wait. Maybe my bermudas I will get when I threw away my old ones. (Mr Teo.. all your fault! Got to think before I buy!)
CNY 1st day - skirt, and ... heee
CNY 2nd day - long pants + nike shirt + sports shoe
CNY 3rd day - ..... -shrugs-
1:37 AM
Since both my dearest sec2 juniors also have my access of my blog then I should say something to them... Yes, indeed I was rather disappointed in the match that day but I think there is no need of apologising to me because you are disappointing in yourself more than us. I understand how you all felt, because till now I do feel this way too. Maybe that was your first match, but it is the same for KC, and even your juniors so why is it they are able to perform and not you people? I know you guys cried, I wish you guys cried for the right reason, which is because of your own performance and not because of the sec1 or because you all lose. The process is always more important than the result. I think Mr Teo didnt mention to you all before, but this is what he always tell us, "As long as you girls tried your best, even if you lose, I am happy." He dont really mentioned that sentence, but the meaning is, as long as you people put in your 110% of effort and you know it, and he know it though the team lost, you should be happy of your own performance and Mr Teo know you have done your best and he wont blame you.
I have no right to criticise you guys more nor praise you more. But I just want to say, now forget about the lousy match. It is over, now all you must do is to focus on the next upcomings matches. I wish the next time I am down, I will be smiling and not dropping a tear...
1:26 AM
Thursday, January 20, 2005
This is the second weekends that I dont enjoy at all. Once again I am so devasted on the last day of school. This time round is something different.
I have never say all how much I care or I love them, but I know deep inside my heart I really care and love them. At times I will just think about them, worrying that something will happen to them. At times I could say how much I hate them for not giving me what I wanted for 17years but still I know deep inside, I do love them alot and they love me too. I remembered myself saying how I hated -her- but, now I could say all the good things just about -her-. I never know how to express my care, concern and love for them, all I could do everyday is just play with my laptop, and they do their own things. I know they dont know how to show it too, they showed in their own way, but still I know they still care. I can hate all the naggings and not listening to them and stuffs like that but there are really times when I want to do what they instruct but I am just too lazy. As I grow older, I realise the value and importance just stayed inside my heart and I care more for them, and realised that they are the most important person in my life. I had never realise it when I was young but as times goes by, I feel it.
Something weird had happened today. Out of a sudden -he- had a huge sum of money. I looked at my account, I realised -he- had transfer more than 1k inside my account. I thought it was my bursary, but my bursary was 1.5k so I asked -her-. -She- checked her own account, and realised 2k was inside. I started to think something is wrong. -He- never had some much money therefore when he returned home, I asked -him- why he gave me so much, then he said because of what he owed me. I just think it was his bonus, but the weirdest thing happened, -he- gave =her= 1k, -her 200 and me 200 for CNY. Just one day, -he- had gave us more than 5k! It is a damn huge sum of money, just one day how possible he would get that some of money? I started to get worried and think negatively. I asked -her-, she just dont really seemed to care. Asking =her= is of no use too, =she= would ask -her- tomorrow also, furthermore it had been 17years since they last talked? I believe so, because I will never forget this sentence, "if is not because of you, I would have divorce with him." Since I am 17 years old, so I reckon they had been this way for 17years. I dont dare to ask -him- myself, I dont really talked to him. I dont really talked to them, like I said, I love them and care for them but never will I know how to express myself to them. I really dont know, I am feelimg really worried and scared or maybe I am just thinking too much? But seriously, all these had always been in my heart, I just feel like talking it out this time.
I wondered is it because of what had happened this afternoon that make me so negative now. To some of them , it was just nothing. But for me, I was really broke for the past few days but now when there is this huge sum of money inside, I do not feel any happy at all, I was even feeling more sad and worried.
I really hope I am feeling so upset and thinking so much because of this afternoon. Being very confused of what to do next or even feeling doubtful about myself and thinking so negative and having so much thoughts in my small mind makes me think even negative of what happened at night. I really hope so.
11:09 PM
Though I didnt blog yesterday, but nothing much. Just absent from school and went back ES. Seen the 'c' div play and nothing much after that. Today, after my test and half of my lesson, I went back ES so that I can go Dunman to see the 'C' div play. And this is what happened...
"I dropped a tear at the end of the whistle... I dont know what I am upset with but I am really very sad about the whole thing... Umpires know nothing... players not up to their standard... When Mr Teo called and asked why I cried, I couldnt answer, all I could say was, 'emotional'. Was it because I felt the stress when sec1 seems to be so potential and I am going to take them? Was it because I am just feeling upset about the whole damn shit zonal? Was it because I still remembered myself unable to play? I really dont know... I just dropped a tear... During the match, I rememebered, I asked myself, now I am already so upset with the play, will I be able to control myself when I take over? Seriously, half of my mind wanted to carry on with what I want, but the other half said no. But if I am not confident with myself, how is Mr Teo going to trust the girls to me? Will I be able to do a good job? "Yunru, you take Perrine batch lar, I take the sec1s, I dont want to waste or something..." .. "i was just joking with u lar..." Actually think about it, I helped him to take the sec2s when they were sec1s... and so maybe their foundation wasnt that good that is why now they are like that? Yi yun's batch is really very potential. They are good and I think they will do well if under good guidance. Will I be able to do the job? Or will he give me the job then? -shrugs- Not going to pester him much first, he is not in the right frame of mind also... hope he can feel better, tomorrow is holiday, guess is the right time as he can take a rest, maybe for me too...
Stupidly, he took my another card. Now I am left with 10bucks in my wallet. OMG! How can I survived? If I were to work, it is the best, cause my funkey got money so I wont spend any cash and I still earned money! Will I tahan not to go out for this 3days? Maybe? Hahaha... dont know... so much things to think about... haix....
Anyway, I never know that any of the secondary 2 will approach me until today. I did remember once Eunice wanted me to go for the carnival, then yesterday also, she wanted me to be there because she wants support or something? Today, she messaged me, then I realised actually I can still make a little difference in her life... haha..
Got to bathe, and I am hungry again! Guess will cook and eat! And I need to think.... .... .... Maybe next week I got to teach the Sec 1 already, but he is hoping to have another 5 good sec1s so that next year they will win the C div. -shrugs- Pressure.. presuure.. and unassurance... and doubt about myself.. what the shit am i thinking!!! arghhhh...
8:55 PM
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Hmm.. didnt blog on sunday or monday... well was tired and busy...
Sunday was at my grandma's place. My aunt said I slimmed down, asking did I go on diet. I was laughing and obviously I let Mr teo know it. He laughed at me. After that I passed $50 to my ah ma... my aunt saw, and one said, "you got money meh?" then later another aunt who knows me better and who my mum and her always gossipped said, "she working liao le..." then the other aunt said "wah.. so smart.." then started to comment things.. then also talked about what female is always better than male... and stuffs.. I was there smiling.. hahaha... =x
After that just normal things at ah ma house... cousins and us just talked and talked... then I realised my cousin is so worried-stricken about her first child. JJ is still very thin now and it is like so different from Luke.. and guess what my sister said? "It is also related to the gene of the parents!" Hahahah.. the father is not slim... thats why! hahaha.. =X My cousin cried while talking to her aunts about the stuffs and alot of things. -.- so chum... Guess because its the first child and then she is still young.
After that, all male cousins and I watched the Singapore Vs Indonesia... my jiujiu go and buy home draw... LoLx... then we kept laughing at him when SG shot another 1 goal! Hahaha.. So funny.... =X Later on all gone, me alone at ah ma's house waiting for xw to return home...
FInally at xw's house... was quite tired already... was waiting for ah neo also... I used her computer as I need to help her to make something for her mother on how to use MSN and the computer. As I was doing, I talked to Mr Leong and Mr Teo.. and given a task to do from mr Teo.. and mr leong did something stupid... !!! -.- hahaha... and that was super lame of hiM! =X
When ah neo came.. we eat instant noodles... and chatted... chatted about xw's stuffs and things.. then finally we go the room... I continued with what I want to do... then later finished the stuffs I lie on the bed... hahaha... then soon I just close my eyes... then about to fall asleep... then xw and neo just beat me to wake me up.. then finally... i heard, "off the lights!" hahaha.. :X hee..
Next day(Monday)... we just slept the way through... then later I went home then want to go back school for the sec1 selection.... I was late... hee.. supposed to be there by 2 but was there at 2.15... oops... hahaha... then hmpf! mr teo said dont want return me money... then in the end only mr leong paid me... =(
wah! I love yesterday noon.. i mean it was the best.. it had been sometime since i ran for so long and did so many conditioning... though i cannot really take it.. but i carried on.. just like how i did in the past... hahaha... the feeling is just so great! =) and guess what!? 200 JJ! wah! hee hee hee.. so happy! 50 sit ups... cool man! only the push up i cannot complete.. oops... anyway.. i am old le lar.. i cannot really run up and down the stairs fast! i gotta train on that! hahaha... i must train up!!! i must be very meng!!! =)
after training... quickly bathe in school... then later meet mr leong went to airport... then meet up with panda, neo n sh... then soon xw came... took a number of photos... then chatted for a while.. xw's mum is really very sad... she didnt really smile... xw kept coming here and there.. but it is best for her to be there... as in her mum side... yea.. soon... very soon.. she check in.. i cried a little.. i couldnt control my tears... my brother, xw.. please take care and have fun! I missed my playmate... no one to go swimming together... no one to go play bball anymore... haix.. sad... no more place to go during cny... I will miss u.. xw! anyway after that went to eat dinner at pasta... then chat... and eat... and soon we went home...
anyway... mr teo dont want return me money. nevermind.. still say if he return money den no nid return card.. ;s arghh.. then now say.. it will be my coaching fee... -.- gosh... lame.. anyway.. hahahah.... LAME... LAME.. LAME.. i know i will get back my card... dun care!!! LAMEEEEE!!!! (oooooppppx... heee... hope he dont read it.. =x)
Today... went to school... have test.. dont really know how to do... then later... lesson... cannot take it... very very tired... then.... i took a nap... then later.. finally lesson end... thought got training.. in the end dont have... wanetd to go back es... but seems no reason... so.. i didnt... there someone telling me no... sighx... dont know why also... nevermind... went back home after clearing the damn virus in my com! yea.. forget to say.. i found 13 virus in my computer... or rather is adware? i dont know.. antivirus said it was dont know what... spend some time to clear it before i go home... thinking of buying 2005 antivirus... anyway.. due to the money not with me... actually this make me stop thinking of buying a new shoe.. or sandals... haha... good good i guess... anyway.. something to add on... I left with $3.42 in my posb bank! hahahaha... =x and I am not working for the 3 weeks...! hahaha.. die liao la.. no money... lolx... nevermind.. shall try to save... alrightx... guess nothing much.. want to bathe... then cook my dinner... then...do my hmwrl.. and try to finish my planning by tomorrow or latest this weekend... should i go es tomorrow? sec 1 not in yet.. maybe i should just go rp 1st.. then if realaly super bored den skip my darn lesson.. will decide.. k.. byex.. go le...
1:18 PM
Sunday, January 16, 2005
I have deleted my previous 2 entries... It seemed to be rubbish! I think I need to have a clearer view then decide on what I should do or write.. so whoever had read those 2 entries forget it.. writing shit only..
11:22 AM
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Everyone is just wearing a mask! Maybe like what Mr Teo told me before, "cherish what you have not, because you dont know what will happen next year." This sentence is getting more and more true to the extent. "People doesnt pay to be kind," this sentence also getting more and more true.
People changed. Things changed. Everything changed. Mr Chew and I is one live example actually. We were once 'close', as in talked alot and joked but after a few months situation changes. We never talked anymore. After a few months, we talked, but never like the past. I think again, we never talked again. Then finally we talked, but much lesser. FInally, I left the school, came back then things changes again and become now... Haha... things changes fast... I guess, I am slowly learning lesson. I will see how it goes... and act upon it.. now I shant make into conclusion nor should I start assuming... (it is always the case after I bathe I got a clearer mind.)
I told gua I wanted to cut hair but when I was bathing I decided to let it grow till CNY, let my aunt see my long hair, wear skirt and skimpy clothes first then I cut after CNY. Gua commented, "cut mr teo's hair" The first thing I replied was, "oh over my dead body! that nerd look!" Then I told him, for 5years, same hair style! -.- After that, then I realised time is really fast... I met Mr Teo for 5 years already, we known each other for 5 years. For another 5 years, we will be 'ji shi nian peng you!" hahaha... Its really fast! I am 18 this year! OMG! I didnt realise that till Mr Teo said that I might get the car license earlier than dua hai and when Mr Leong said I can meh.. then I realise eh 7 more months and I am 18years old! My sis will be her 21st years old! Gosh! So fast so fast! -sighx-
Things will never be the same... if its yours it will be... never try and control it... let it go... set it free... washing my hands off if I had let it gooo.....
1:04 AM
Friday, January 14, 2005
I realise I need to change my own attitude... I think I am throwing my temper anyhow. Though every time I apologise, but seriously I think this is very bad of me too. I think it is like you killed some one already then you apologise. I really got to control myself. Even how bad mood I am, I musnt throw it any people. Well, if I want to make myself happy, I can say at least I am self-aware. I am aware of my bad behaviour but this is not good enough, I need to change too. I am feeling really bad actually, because I did it just now. Though I had apologise, but I am still not feeling any better. Maybe it is not because of this, but something else?
I really dont know, but I am not being myself now. I seemed to be someone else now. I dont know this is good or bad. But I am really feeling really down and there is no word I can really explain how I am feeling. I always thought that I listen to loud music I would feel better, but this time round, after listening to loud music and then listen to sentimental music, I actually almost cried out!
I dont know why am I feeling it this way, but I know I am really so down and upset with everything and I dont know why I am feeling it this way. This is the damn most stupid and irritating thing! When I dont know why am I feeling this way, and I could even cried and being so damn upset. Everything got worse when I saw my enterprise result. A conditional pass. I expected a F actually, but this is my 2nd conditional pass and I had a failure. I am not yet all happy with my grades but I am neither doing any single thing! I AM NOT YUNRU ANY LONGER!!! I am losing myself.... losing my motivation... losing everything.... I am really very upset and I am doing nothing even that I am aware! What the fuking thing am I doing now!? I am not at all learning also... I guessed I need to learn... really! Here I am feeling really freaking pissed with myself!
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING INSIDE ME!? Must I really go to the beach and sit down at the breakwater and listen to the waves and maybe cry all out? I just felt like crying, but I need to control. I want to go to the beach!!! I felt really sad!!! -sighx- -shrugs- I am not feeling really good.. and seriously I think some of my juniors and my teachers too... Hopefully they are better.. -yunru gave a lonnnggg sighhhhx... because I could not help... feeling so helpless actually... seeing them sad... yet I could do nothing... what a life....
8:46 PM
Thursday, January 13, 2005
"Quite passive in class today, Yun Ru. You do make an attempt to answer my questions, but only when I specifically direct a question to you. Be more proactive, yeah? -I know what you mean about "singing" out our emotions when we're really down. Indeed, why you do think music is used so extensively in memorial services? And why do tears flow freely whenever certain types of music are played? Perhaps music speaks directly to our soul. -It seems that you're a music lover like me, Yun Ru, which is why I was sad and at the same time disappointed that you didn't seem to engage with the problem at all (and didn't seem to make an effort to at least try!). You know you can do better, Yun Ru!"
Today lesson was on music. Yes, I do love music alot but the questions I really dont know how to answer. I expected a C grade today and well, like I expected I really got the C. I know he will target me with questions because he knows I love to listen to music, but I didnt know I had disappointed him? I thought I had only disappointed myself for being so slack, so uninterested in class, being so quiet and not being myself. I had never imagine that David would be sad and disappointed. Sorry David.
It is about two weeks of school. It doesnt seem good at all. I have been uninterested in class quite a number of times. I even know that I would receive a C if I still like that, but nothing makes me move on, change or do something. I just carry on slacking there, keep quiet, doing nothing and stared at the class. What got into me? Sequeena make a comment today, "Yunru, what had happen to you? Ni shou le she me da ji? Why you like so slack?" Haha, I think I know the answer but I dont wish to admit it! -shakes head- This is such a sad case right? Can I just face the reality and change it!? I think I really need to change!!! "I have no choice, I need to do what I dislike, this is life when you are studying, life will be even harder when you starts to work." I think I got to remind myself this! I have no choice, even how boring the topic is, I need to work on it, I cannot just work on those I am interested in! I need to change!!!
I really cannot do what I said once. I dont know why am I feeling it this way. -shrugs- I dont really like this feeling. When I was talking to Lydia, I dont know why, but really felt sad and when mentioned to Mr Teo, it was like -.- The look I get fom Lydia and the words she told me really set me thinking. In the car, I heard something, so is that really the case? I really dont know, but a live example had shown the consequences to me already. -shrugs- I dont wish to think about it anymore... but questions and stuffs kept repeating in my mind...
Went back again, and have dinner together again. Anyway, no asking of card for 7days! I shall tried my best and keep my mouth and keep my hands from asking! Actually no larh, he trick me another 2 times, gone case le. He took $5o from me. Think again, actually he need not return me the money, because of that time Swensen. Save money!!! I really got to save money now!
I miss playing sports, but I dont know why, the place that I feel like exercising is in ES. I want to run around the school, I want to do suicide run in netball courts, I want to run the stairs and everything. I dont have the feeling in playing or running in RP at all. -shrugs- I want to swim on saturday, but I guessed need to help Gua in her maths so I guessed I better dont think about it.
If I want to grow up by the 0.1%, I think I need to change a bad habit. Well, I believe if I will be able to do it through this experience, I believe I have grow up for that 0.1%. I shall work on it! =) Hee hee hee...
Sleeping... Time... hee.... 1 more day!!! hee.. hee.. hee.. =) Maybe go and prepare a little things for gua... Oh ya, mentioned to Mr Teo about how angry I am with them, haha, actually I got the face to tel him that! In the end, I felt guilty! oops... He said, "dont know who, last 2 years, I also keep..... " then I just hide my own face! oops... hee.. Mr Teo.. sorry arh.. I really understand how you felt that time.. though that time I really so angry and like want to kill you... but now truly I understand how you felt! sorry!
8:49 PM
Guess I will be sleeping after this entry. I thought I cannot sleep early because I need to finish up my Sports Club task. I didnt finish it and I requested to have an extension of time.
I went back school again. Taught Adeline on differentiation. I wonder if she really gets it. Anyway, as usual, pester for my card, but still I could not retrieve back. I left $200 in my POSB now. I need to withdraw $50 soon to give my ah ma. Soon $20 will be deducted for my Translink card. Withdrawing another $70 for my Sports CLub t-shirt and Bball jersey. So, how much will I left? $60! Wahahaha.... I guess Mr Teo really makes me save money through taking my this card... :S Last time always tried very very hard not to use, but in the end I will take out a sum of money. I guessed this time I cannot do it at all because I HAVE NOT RETRIEVE THE CARD!!! arghhh!!! =( And because of that, I tend to save a little so as to make sure I got money left in POSB and my wallet.
Went Bedok eat bachormee with dua hai and gua. On the way already smsing Mr Teo talking some crapx then I disturbed him about him staying at home taking care of xiao lance and we eating at 85! In the end, retribution strike me! He claimed that he is going to eat claypot rice and dont want to bring me along!!! arghhh!!! hmpf!!! sad ok!? He says because I suan him! =( Shouldnt have disturbed him by saying he needs to take care of xiao kan kan... =( Hmm.. call luke xiao kan kan is nicer... heee... Haix.. whatever.. tomorrow then see how also... But have a very nice chat with dua hai and ade... talked about some of the softball boys and netball girls... hmm.. talked about xu xu... and huiying.. being compatible? Hahaha... then many mnay other things, need not go into details...
Went back home... on the way with Ade... saw my sister.. so I pang seh Ade and walked back to bus 17 and took bus home... on the way, many sms with mr teo.. about tomorrow and crapx... and xu xu crapping too.. then js.. crapping too.. then I realised I still got another 5days and I finished my free sms already.. but I dont really care also.. I guess wont use too much for the next 5 days too unless with xu xu.. hahaha...
Reached home, did my homework... then crapx? I also forget what I did also.. hahaha... and now.. its time to sleep.. because finally my hair is dried already... hee.. tomorrow is about music again.. boring! but hopefully lesson ends early... hmm.. another 34 more days... with 6 days off so is another 28days! =)
1:05 AM
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Couldnt blog yesterday. It was rather a long day for me and there isnt time to blog, furthermore I finished everything that I need to do at 1.30am. But good news... =) Though under probation still... heee...
Yesterday it was Science Ut and Science lesson. Science UT was alright? I think it was easier than UT 1. Shant talk to much, later again too confident than later from D become F. Shh.. haha.. but this time I really didnt bother to study at all. Science lesson was alrights, topic on Anemia, hameglobin and stuffs like that. Rather interested in the topic. Lesson ends about 3.30pm. Mr Teo said if I were to be in school by 4.30pm I can get the answer which I am desperate of. Well, in our conversation, he sounded serious and therefore I didnt dare to joke, in the end when I was in school, then I found out that he purposely dont want to type "hahaha"!!! Shit it! I was so naive to believe him!!! argh!!!
When back school, due to my naivness, I only can ask him 1 question when I have 3 questions! 1 concerning my juniors, 1 concerning my money and last but not least the 1 that I was so desperate about. FInally, I decided to ask him the 1 I am desperate of. Under probabation, that is the word I can say about what we finally settled on. Finally understooded why he keep dont want to give me an answer. Truly understand and well I accepted the challenge. I think through this, I really can understand and learn many other things. =) If I want to do, I must do a proper job, I need to out do or rather be on the same line as the rest.
Anyway, due to this, I havent get my 3.7k ATM card! But I know my juniors' schools also. Hahaha.. Going to disturb him today for my card because Gua needs my help for maths so going to disturb him first! =)
Anyway, after everything in school, went to eat with Ade, Js and Sai. Talked alot, but seriously not just yesterday, quite a few time I really get pissed talking to them. Never will they listen and I really hate talking studies to them but alot of times I really do not wish to see them in deep shit. I seen more things than them. I see myself, see alot of the bad traits in them but I cannot get it into their head. I really feel very sad everytime such things happen. Yesterday was one of the typical case. I was really very upset. -sighx- How can they know? A lot of times, I just feel like keeping quiet but... seeing myself, seeing them like how my batch acts, I really cannot stop talking to them and worse of all, they dont want to listen, and in the end I get super upset with myself and them. -sighx!!!-
After everything, went for bbq. It was rather awkward. I felt happy to see Michael, Collin, Kevin, Issac, Siew Bin.. haha.. all the Eastspringians! =) I remembered them saying, how many eastspring people here arh? hahaha... so stupid! =X Wanted to leave early, in the end left at 11pm and I rushed home to finish my homework. Finished at 12 and went to bathe. After that, I need to help the girls to submit the volunteering work and I need to draw out my schedule for Mr Teo. So in the end slept at 1.30am. And because of the few hours sleep, really have a terrible headache now. Tonight also cannot really sleep, I need complete my Sports Club work. =S TIred... tired... tired... Time to do work... byex... blog again tonights...
9:17 AM
Monday, January 10, 2005
Quite a number of things to blog... I didnt realise that actually money can be spent so easily till I calculated for adelame to listen... The $300 I got for last year within 2days can be gone. $200 to be a filial daughter and granddaughter then $100 to be paid for my Sports Club shirt, Bball jersey, WWW bbq, and supervisor's xmas present. Wah! Its fast right? Work so hard for the past 1 month in the end everything is gone within two days. Now then I realised it. Like I said, I will wait for my bursary to be in! Anyway, I think I really need to purchase Norton Antivirus! SO a sum of money gone! Arghhh!!!
Went back to ES just now. Borrowed things from him. Hmm, quite a number of people chose Netball. Hopefully they are really good players so as to bring Esnetball one level higher. Anyway, also still dont know the answer. Answer still pending. Also wondering when I will know the answer. He will be busy with his allocation of CCAs so he wont have the time to think about this too, I guessed. So maybe just 'ci ci de deng bah.'
If you really allow me to at least go for once a week, I really had no problem. This what I can promise you. Even for Feb till April, I can promised that I will be there at least once a week. And from 12th of March till 17th of April I actually can be there for all their trainings due to my holidays. Unless you are not keen that I go for once a week, then there is nothing I can say nor do already. And, like I had said, I only want to be an AC because I know myself, I cant commit myself too much due to my school hours, but I know to commit at least 1day per week is really no problem for me. You are still the in-charge, I am just carry on doing what you instruct. Please enlighten if I am wrong in this aspect. I know its going to be unfair if I only go occasionally but I really have no intention of fully incharge. PLease, give me the chance, at least let me try out from feb till april? If you see there is a problem of me going once a week, then fine I wont carry on when my school starts in 18th April, but for now, let me try furthermore my holidays are coming soon and they arent going to start training that soon.
My mind keep cant be at ease, or is heavy I guessed it because of this. I guessed I really want the chance, but I guessed in my heart it had already 'die heart' already or rather had already know the answer is negative. I supposed because of that when today when I teased him and he gave me that stared I dont see any threat anymore? Unlike in the past when I thought I still got the chance so I just kept quiet about it. He is impartial, but I dont know, it is just different kind of feelings I supposed. Maybe when he kept saying 6 years was actually a hint to say no? -shrugs- Just wait for the definite answer.
Went out for dinner with them eventually. Was very hungry! Didnt get to eat my lunch actually so felt very hungry at the evening. Shared food with him and actually not very full. And my stupid head keep aching! When I went back school, I felt like vomitting when I was in the cab, I know it was because of my empty stomach but after eating I just dont know why the pain was still there. -sighx- It really seemed that when I start schooling RP, I will not feel well at all. Maybe it was all just my mind playing trick, but it really seemed to be the case. Maybe I just want to think it this way? -shrugx-
Tomorrow Sci UT, not fully prepared. But dont really wish to give it a damn! I was scrolling and deleting some of my sms then I realised one was from my shifu, "dont study, thought you will do better when you dont study." it was something like that... haha... actually it might really be the case! Therefore, shant really prepare for it! Hahaha!!! Tomorrow WWW bbq, dont feel like going at all but it was compulsory!? -shrugxxxx-
Alrights, I supposed I am not ready for school yet actually. My mood is not back yet. I am still like very slack and stuffs. Not really that slack but rather I seemed to have no interest in my favourites. I had no interest in going for bball training and friendly and no interest in netball trainings, no interest in going to sports club meeting and doesnt wnat to do my task. -sighx- I am now just like a log in the sea, being swayed about the sea, doesnt know why is my ending point and just lying there. All my interest and feeling and thinking and laughters are all in ES... sad sad sad... darn! Nevermind... just another 36days! Gosh!!! Its soo fast!!!! HAHAHA!!! I cant wait for another 36days and I will be free liek a bird agaiN! Oh.. actually its another 30days because I want to fully use up my leave which is another 6 days! Hahaha!!! Wah! 30days of school only! So fast!!!!
Wah.. its 12 already... better get to my bed soon! ALready had headahce and not feeling well throughout the day.. I am here still talking cork.. hahaha.. gd nitex!
10:12 PM
OMG! My com is like giving me problems everytime. When I first bought, the very first problem is the virus! My laptop had thousand of virus inside! After the virus thing, it is my startup! It always start up damn bloody slow! Also dont know what I did, it became better. Then next I think it was 'physically', it is as if when I open and close the cover, it will have the 'crack' sound. It is still the same, and I condemn it? Next come with my antivirus! Dont know why, I just cannot enable my virus protection and there is error in my email scanning! -shrugx wonder why is it so! Then after that, all my powerpoint and microsoft word file cannot be opened because of my antivirus, dont know why! Then I need to sacrifice by uninstall my Norton and then open my files.. and it can be done. Arghhh!!! Darn it!
Yeah.. my pay is in! WOnder how much it will be now! Hope nothing wrong again! Have to withdraw so I can give my ah ma and my mum!
2:48 PM
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Finally finished studying for a bit. Going to blog about something...
I wish I am given the chance. Tears almost dropped when I realise that my hope and dream is about to dash. I always thought that I will have the chance to do it but I was so wrong. Maybe is just like the chinese saying, "yi chang huan xi, yi chang kong." Maybe I am just being too dumb to get the hint in the past? I really dont know... Maybe I am just thinking too highly of myself? Thinking that the chance definately will be given to me? Maybe because of all these, that eventually bring tears to me when I got half the answer. I dont know why am I feeling so sad actually, but I just got so upset about it. I am still pinning on hopes thinking I will but I really doubt so. It is just like in RP bball, when I keep thinking I might got the chance to represent RP in IVP and in the end news break out, eventually I cried. I am not facing reality I supposed. The answer is actually quite clear, but yet you are still thinking you can. What a sad case...
Waiting for an answer is worse than to knowing the truth. Its so painful to be waiting for an answer. Or maybe its because you are pinning hopes and you know the result is not what you going to expect? I really dont know, but I am really very upset and actually thinking I am so stupid. I am not what you people might think, I am not smart, I cant get what you want to say/imply. I cant read your minds. Maybe I got so upset because I think I might get the chance? But he is right... I shall try to think the other way round, so I wont get so upset? Maybe I should just prepare for the worse then... Sad.. Sad... Sad...
11:50 PM
Hmm... Friday... went back to ES after settling the stuffs at home. I rushed back to east taking cab.
Played game with the boys and girls of ES. It was an awesome game. It was so fun and funny. Alot of laughters and shoutings can be heard. Everyone is so funny when playing. It was just so nice. Dont have the kind of feeling like how I felt in RP. It is just so relax. At night, we played basketball. Again, girls and boys of the Sports leader in ES played. It was really very funny! Some of the boys know the limit, and so they dont dare touched the girls. The girls are so small size that when the boys stand infront, the girls will just feel so scared. I am one of them. HAHA... Seen some sec1s, but really wonder if they are really that interested in netball. Tried hard to recruit them hopefully they really join.
Was really upset with 1 issue in the recruitment drive. Cant they use their brain and think!? Can they be more matured? Maybe shant really blame them, but their leader! Anyway, also quite upset with people who doesnt know anything and anyhow talked bad things about us. -sighx- I am speechless. Nevermind, we esnetballers know what we are doing and we are conscious-clear!
At night, all of us chatted. It was just so lame! All the cold people speak coldly! But actually it had already happen on the tuesday and wednesday dinner. When I was with them I was freezed by them, maybe due to that I catch a cold on friday. Its all their fault! You know who you are... *gua... mr teo..sai..js..* COuldnt really sleep. It was freezing cold, but i think without Mr Teo's jacket I really will freeze to death but he kind soul lar.. he lent me. The rest of the SL actually used my laptop and watch Naruto. Oh ya, I love xuxu! He is so cute and actually if he is around, I wont be suan! oops.. hahaha... They are really a bunch of cute people!
Sat morning woke up... was so tempted to join them for their 5BX but I was too shy to do it. But eventually I joined them for a run... I think some will say me mad, but I really love to run. I actually dont wish to stop running, but no choice I stopped. After that, went up to help with the recruitment.
After the recruitment, we went to queensway. Before that we went to ECP, Mr Teo being a 24hr father helped luke to dont know wash the chair lar... then we had luch theere.. And as usual, coldness was there when mr teo and gua are there. Then on our way to Queensway.. "say you, say me, say together..." hahaha... Those in the car will understand this! HAHAHA... It was so lame! Lolx...
We just spend a lto of time there walking around... The girls got the bag they want, except for Gua... maybe she will get in tomorrow.. I got my jacket but not my Man utd jersey. I dont know should I get sandals or not. Already spent $70 for it. And new year is coming, $50 for my grandma, $50 for my mum then my grandma birthday on saturday, another $50 then when I got my pay, another $50 for my mum.. so it will be $200. Then during march I got to pay for my school fee, its going to be hundreds? Maybe I will get sandals when I really spoiled my sandals. $200 to give, $80 for my CCAs, $300 for my school fee, $270 to be in my UOB bank... its about 1k! Ok... shant get the man utd jersey and sandals for time being! Spend it wisely first, or rather on the important things. Jacket is useful because everytime use Mr Teo's then in school always freeze to death. Alright, set my mind! =) Waiting for my pay to be in tomorrow. =)
Nothing to blog already... going to bathe and have my dinner soon too..
7:11 PM
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Damn! Damn! Damn! What can I say!? I am weak!!! I went for my task, which is netball and basketball trainings. The first training was basketball. Just the first training I felt very tired and sick and weak. Know what really happen?
I was late because I was rushing my RJ but it was a difficult question therefore I was late for training. Due to that, there wasnt any warm up. We did criss cross at first, just within 10mins, I felt a tightness in my chest. I felt there is something pushing against my upper back and chest together! I felt the pain! Maybe because of that, I could not have enough oxygen and at a moment its just seemed that I am alone, my vision was blurred and I could not really hear the surrounding. I just stood there, I look as if I am just being lazy but I just dont wish to continue to train as it seemed that I am going to faint any moment. After a while, I felt ok so I joined them again. I could feel myself breathing so hard, just like when I was still a sec1 with lousy stamina. I was very devasted. I had to run 1 round as punishment due to the fact I could not get 2 penatly shot in and I was running so slow and I just felt so weak. I was really very upset with myself. After a while, I just felt like going back to netball because the temptation was so huge and I really missed netball therefore I went over.
My mood got worse just the momet I joined them. I could not pass at all! My passing sucks! I could not pass a shoulder pass! My strength sucks! I thought by joining basketball it would be better but... I AM SO WRONG! I was so upset with myself and at that moment of time, I just feel like quitting basketball because I do not wish to give up netball at all. I do not know where to run any more. I am just like a newbie! After everything, I even had a very bad headache!
I dont know why, but seriously after the chest pain and headache everytime after a vigorous training, today it set me thinking. As a sportsperson, I should be strong and not this weak! If people were to know I am a sportsperson I think people would just laugh at me! And, actually I was thinking maybe I should really change my eating habits and what I eat. It just makes me think that everything was due to what I eat that causes me to be so weak! I am so sad about every single thing now. My neck also is really giving a big problem. I just felt pain every moment when I tilt upwards or downwards. I am such a weak person, how to be sportsperson!?
Sad, devasted, disappointed, angry, these are what I can say about how I am feeling now. I felt so useless and hopeless too... -sighx- What can I reallay do? I really dont feel like going school tomorrow. I am so tired and sick. My 100plus spilled in my bag causing I need to wash my bag and I have yet to pack for tomorrow and I really wish to do everything tomorrow. BUt I dont have the time if I were to go school. Should I or should I not? Only 1 thing makes me happy, that is RP maybe joining the national league! =) Hee... hopefully it really happens.
11:09 PM
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
3rd day of school, this is one of the better day actually. Today problem on music, I guessed caused of this I was rather energetic about it. I was rather interested in today problem, or maybe because of the facilitator? But overall at least it was one of the better day for me.
Sports MC meeting today. Well, I realised I am shunning away all my task in RP. This is bad, very bad. Suddenly I realised I had lost all my interest in all my CCAs in RP. I love basketball and netball and Sports MC but I just dont know why, I seemed to dread about everything concerning them? I just want to step out of RP everytime I am dismissed from my class. I guessed my heart is still in the EAST. I kept meeting them for dinner for the past 3 days. I know I shouldnt but I really cant help it. Tomorrow I wont! I am going to do my task tomorrow!
I think I really need some time to get over everything. I need some time to gather the mood to study. I felt very weird today actually, just because of something and only Gua knows about it. I really dont know, hopefully is like what she said, I didnt make it obvious. I had the mixed feelings at that very moment. I never had this kind of feelings actually. -sighx- Its so bad.... I really hate this! What I hate most is, I cant control my feelings and emotions at alL! Damn.. I dont wish to talk about it anymore...
Today lesson, theres a bad point. It was because it was all about songs and coming out the meaning of songs, easiest song is always those sentimental songs like love song or friendship song. It turned out bad for me actually. I dont wish to explain much anyway, but it was funny to see the changes of my class and also last but not least, it seemed that our class is really going to be graduated.
Alrightx... time to sleep. Still having headache. Really think is not enough sleep. Luckily I am not working this week. A break for me from work this week! I am so happy about iT!
10:45 PM
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Ha.. Reached home my mum warned me about something. My block got Aedes mosquitoes. My neighbour had been stung by the mosquito and had dengue fever. The ministry of health came over this noon. :S wonder if really one day I had that, what will happen? -shrugx- touchwoood! Hope just nobody will be, especially my family members!
Alright, get over this morning thing. It is bad, really bad! I further confirmed when I checked the answer in the evening. I shant brood over it. My own fault for not preparing more. I didnt work harder. Just blame nor brood over it.
Headache, headache... Need to bathe soon and finish my RJ and sleep? Tomrrow is Wednesday, time really very slow now. Just studied two days only. Anyway, I had not received any B for UT yet! Sighx... shant brood about it all my own fault! Even if I studied I still cant get good result is because I didnt prepare well enough. sighx. Tomorrow Sports Club meeting, I didnt finish what I am supposed to do. =( -sighx-
9:45 PM
Despite going back to school to seek for help, I still do not know how to do the bloody test. 1 word for me, I am hopeless already. I need to hope less since I am hopeless! I am rather disappointed with myself. I had wasted my own time and most importantly his time! This is freaking idiotic! I hate this! I really hate this! My results are getting fom bad to worse! What the bloody fuk is this!
10:50 AM
Monday, January 03, 2005
1st day of school... LATE! I was late meeting my friend and I think if I dont meet my friends, most probably I will really be late for class. I need get the interest back. I just slacked the whole day actually. Talking to my master and falling asleep halfway through. Although I did some work but I think I am slacking too much already. Having test tomorrow, am I ready for it? Did some preparation will it be enough? -shrugx-
Calculated my grades, not very well done, or maybe not as good as semester 1. I need to be focus back that is what I know. Left with actually only 9weeks? About 41 days left only? Due to my first term not very well done I cant proceed with my plans, which is missing my lesson. Its not like semester 1 when at the end, I missed or dont missed my grades wont be affected at all. Decision need to be make when time is getting near.
Told him about my decision. Now waiting for his consent. I think if I dont try I wont have the chance to try. I am still young to be trying new things and since I really feel like so I just just give it a try and maybe through this experience it will really make me understand how irritating, how much I am an ass. And so it will really make me fully understand and learn.
4days to complete everything. Left with about half of the task. But I really cant do in school because either I need to do work, if not I will be sleeping. I guess I just need to discipline myself. Life is short. Really short, no time to be wasted on worrying or even fearing. If we really want to do something do it. If we love something, cherish it. When time is up, you wont have the time to cherish the things you love, do the things you want or you fear, and at this point of time, regrets add on to your misery because regret of not doing those things.
Its about 12, I need to get my sleep soon. Tomorrow having UT, really wonder how I will do it. Its going to be very bad. Hope not going to disappoint myself nor Mr Teo as he helped me.
10:35 PM
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Its a new year, and tomorrow will be my first day of school of the year, 2005. Not feeling really happy about it but I just need to grow out of it. When I was bathing, I was thinking actually there are a lot of things that I need to change for a better and things that need to be done.
Anyway, my tenant got a child who will be going to primary 1 tomorrow. I was thinking was my parents that anxious when I was pimary 1? Am I that anxious too? I could not remember much but I know my dad was with me on my first day of school. I remembered myself couldnt sleep most of the time when the next day is my first day of school. But eversince I stepped in RP I doubt I had that kind of excitement in me. I guessed it was because I still could not find much of happiness in RP. From primary school, I never liked to go home straight after dismissal, but when I am at RP, I could not wait for dismissal. I think I just need to face the fact, I am still holding to memories I used to have. I think I should not find excuse for it, I think I should just face it and find a solution. Holding on to memories is never good, it is just pulling you back and prevent you from moving forward towards your dreams and future. I need to open up the door to face with the rest of the obstacles.
I need to face the fact that I am relying on people too much. I am still not learning to be independent. When Kelly is around, I will always try and approach her for help even though the task are what I am capable of doing. If I want to be a leader, I think I need to do the stuffs myself and not asking people to do. I need to be more daring if not how will your follower see you? Another thing is, I always depends on people to tell me my mistakes, I think as a person, I should learn to know my own mistakes and not wait for people to tell me.
The main thing that I got to change is something I will not say it till I finally achieved it! This is something only me and him knows. I will constant remind myself about it. Also, something that only I know. I am going to change it with constant reminder to myself.
I realised its been a long time since I had played netball. I really wondered if my skills had become rusty. I wished I got to play, but there isnt such a chance unless my RP girls are motivated enough or even Mr Teo will allow me to play with them. I am so afraid I had lost touch with Netball. I really missed playing netball. I could not get the esclub going, I am really very upset with it, but I am still pinning some hopes and I think there is still a way to be able to get it set up but I have yet to let Mr Teo know.
Let me talk about today work. It was bad, early morning raining heavily. I really dread to go to work but I cant. Kelly was sent back home because there wasnt any customers. Fook Wee and Wen Bin were sent back too. Soon, the park left with very few people. The park stopped its operation at about 2pm but the mangement doesnt want to close. FInally at 5pm, the managment decided to close and finally we are allow to go home. =) I was very tired of slacking and doing nothing at the shop. Just looking at the rain doing nothing, just felt that I am so useless.
Talked about Tsunami, Alan said he saw the satellite that the hurricane in Sumatra is getting bigger and this type of rain will continue for the next 5 days. I really got back feeling about this. I went to search for the photos, and indeed the places affected were really bad! Many of the land just seemed to be flat! Many deaths, injured, uncontactable and fear. Its really a blessing for us Singaporeans. This also told me one thing, there are things that are beyond our control. We cant control everything, and actually alot of things are beyond of our control because most of the thing that we can control is just within our circle and its small. Tsunami is one of the example that is within our control. We cant control it, we can feel sad about it, but we need to get over it because is not within our control. The best thing that we can do is to volunteer our services to those organisation or even come up with certain ideas to help.
I guessed I will sleep soon. Feel very tired, I forced myself not to sleep when I reached home so that I will have an early night. Also, not feeling very well these days, having headache and had some sleepless nights or even not enough sleep when I slept alot. Wonder if my neck and back really got something wrong. Both my neck and back hurts when I bend backwards and its like that for a while? *yawnz... really tired and sleepy!!!
My focus will be on schoolwork from tomorrow onwards. Other than that, only my NYAA can really overtake it. Anyway, just spent $45 on transportation! Arghh.. sad, left with 3.7k only! =( I want to get my jacket, sandals, CNY clothes, man utd jersey, bball jersey! =S WHEN MY BURSARY IS COMING!!! ! hahaha... Anyway I saw the sandals I want, and it cost $62. Wonder when I should get it. Hmm.. hahaha...
9:04 PM
Argh... I think I really need a jacket! These days are freaking cold, and my windbreaker just do not seemed to be like windbreaker? I need to get it!!! Sandals, hmpf, always my sister one, so I guessed I should get myself 1 too. =) Hmm, what are the rest of the items I need? New clothes for CNY!!! I really do not know what type of clothes to buy also. -sighx- Hmm... My Man Utd Jersey!!!! I guessed I am gonna spend all my December salary on these. Hahaha...
1. Jacket ($80)
2. Sandals ($70)
3. Man Utd Jersey ($60)
4. Sch bball Jersey ($30)
5. CNY clothes ($150)
Total amount spent: $400!!! Gosh! Its doubled my pay!!! Arggghhh... Mr Teo... maybe I in need of money... hahaha!!!
All these money excluded money giving to my mum and grandma... but I also didnt add my weekly allowance. Hmm... when I got my pay then I will decide how and stuffs like that... hee... not forgetting my bursary! =) heee.. =)
1:47 AM
