Life is a series of problem. What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one."
Will I be strong enough to accept it and my life wont be difficult? This year, is fully filled with downs. When will it ever be gone?
Will I be strong enough to handle and accept it?
Am I strong enough to do everything right? Will I?
Thursday, June 30, 2005
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at Practically.. these are what I hate to lose... and welll.... haish... too bad... damn... good nitex.. dont wish to talk much anymore....
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
~*alone again at
11:36 AM
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
I had a wonderful game today! This feeling is long long lost. Its back to me again! =) I am so glad about it. woo hoo... hee... =)
I found back the feeling of playing netball again. I found back the feeling of playing together as ES Netballers!!! Maybe because I found the feeling of playing together as ES netballers and also as a player of Mr Teo then I found the feeling of playing netball... I do not dread about warming up, I do not dread of going onto the court! Whatever the case is, I am happy and thats is what I want!
I suppose I am so happy because since we started forming this, I have never play with them.. and this is the 1st match ever! WOO!!!! No wonder I am so happy.. hahahha!!!!
I hope this feeling will be with me all the time from now. I want to play well for any team I represent. Well now the priority is RP, I want to play well for tommorow, and definately on Monday, our very crucial match against FMSS!
I must take note, when I want to go for interception = I want the ball badly, therefore when I am jumping up for the interception, my mind must be set that "I WANT THE BALL AND I AM ABLE TO GET IT!"
I must make sure my bad habits of lifting the leg is gone before I play for ES, which means I must set the rule to myself, if I were to lift my leg whenever I play any game, more than 5times, I will do suicide run!
Well, these are 2 things that I must make sure I can achieve it!
Tomorrow Multimedia test... woohoo not really prepared yet, have not download the notes too.. going to do it soon.. and read through... and well... 2 of the test I done teh results are out... well badly done... very badly done... I need to buck up...
Since I got the feeling for the game already... I need to do the same for my studies... My GPA must not be less than 2.75 which means... for this semester I need to achieve higher than 2.5!!!
11:52 PM
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Argghh!!! It is so irritating when so many of us are looking forward for the game tomorrow and yet it is cancelled because lack of court. If booking of the court was done the week before rather than the day before I believe such things wouldnt happen because if there wasnt any court at the early stage, then most of us wont be so excited and in the end there is no game. What I am trying to mean here is, putting so much hope, in the end everything turn out nothing.
If the court is booked early, and there is no court, I believe we wont be so upset about it because everyone is hoping for this game, and thinking its confirm to have the game then the day before then realised there is no game. It is super upsetting especially for people like me whereby its a long time since playing with ES and people who is taking their study break soon.
Therefore I hope a lesson learnt for you and everyone, next time, if the game was organised so early, book the court earlier so we need not worry about not having court since payment can be done on the day itself or having the feeling of "yi chang huan xi yi chang kong."
School today... erhs... still alright... better than yesterday... and yesterday I forgot to do my RJ... hahaha... I shall get a F then! Anyway, quite sick and tired now.. going to rest first...
3:42 PM
Monday, June 27, 2005
Things that I had lost:
11:54 PM
I thought I have enough mental preparation!
I am so wrong! I thought I have alot of mental preparation about losing my stuffs and things! But I am so wrong! I am crying so hard about it. 5 years, 5 years of memories! All gone! Yeah! All gone!
"Create new ones then" I hope to. But I supposed this is my first day that was why I am feeling so terribly down?
Maybe is a hint, I keep telling myself, maybe its alright to delete all these.. all these are just words... or pictures.. its all just in my mind... but... all the fun photos we used to have? all the fun things? all gone... gone... no more...
-crying- crying- crying-
9:28 PM
It is juat a bad day for me...
I spent 5hours in my IT Helpdesk today... I thought there is hope and I was pinning hope that I still can save my files... but I was so wrong... I need to reformat my computer... =(
All my memories are gone physically... now the only memories I can have is just in my mind... and if one day I met accident and I lost memory... and there werent be any memories for me to remember... All my stuffs are gone... all the memories... gone... totally gone... no longer able to retrieve anymore...
Well.. other than this... something else happen to me... well.. stupidly dont know why, I actually miss a step... and then I twisted the same ankle that I twisted during my game that day... oh bloody hell... how suay man...
Haish.. i really dont know what i want to say now.. i am tired....
8:05 PM
Sunday, June 26, 2005
A new school term again!
The feeling of school starts really sick! This is my fifth school term in RP. I had survived the 1st year pretty alright and this year I actually scrape through only... Now I only left with 7 terms or I should say 3 semester and 1 term... well whatever it is I still have a long way to go in RP. This is pretty sick. There are times I really regretI didnt choose the path of going to CI. -shrugs- but I cant say anything else because I made the choice myself, decided to stay on in RP, decided to graduate from RP therefore I shant complain about it and live with it and come out good with it.
My stamina is lacking now or I should say is always lacking. I do not have to stamina to perservere it. Or is it because I 'run' too fast at the very start and towards the end all my stamina its gone? I really wonder how some of my friends had those stamina, especially those top students, they could do so well throughout the whole school term, or maybe the whole school life?
Well, words from him flashes into my mind now. "History will always repeat, till the day you learnt it and change it." and if I am not wrong, he once did say before I had regret in my secodary school life then change for my poly life so that I wont regret again. I dont wish to regret for the 2nd time, and in this path I still able to get to my ambition of being a teacher, so I need to do well now. I need to convert my stamina on court to my real life. If you want to be a teacher quickly, then make sure you are only in RP for 3 years and not additionally 1 year!
Well I did super badly in term 1, I still have time to buck up and make sure term 2 results can cover up for my term 1 poor result! I need to be fighting like any other students. Let me show you guys my results:
Database systems: 5Cs and 1X
Object-oriented Programming: 3Cs, 3Xs and 1B
Web Multimedia: 5Bs and 1X
Operating System: 2Bs, 3Cs and 1X
Looking at the number of Cs I have. Compare it with last year, it is totally crap because the number of Cs I have now is actually the number of Cs I have for last whole semester! -shakes head-
Oh well, anyway, I still have time to compensate all these. I guess its time to get back! *hopefully I can*
Sports Club - well, I have yet to go for my own interview, and it is on tomorrow. Oh well, hopefully it goes well. I really would like to stay in Sports Club for a full year. Well, elections will start soon also... gosh.. haha... -.-
Netball - well I dont wish to comment about anything else. I will just wait and see how. If things really goes the way I think, then I shall say goodbye to RP netball then!
PP - argh... have not decide who should I do on. Not sure what should I do man! If I can clear PP this year and my stupid CE points by this year.. I still have my last 2 FYP... oh damn... it was so crap when people say RP doesnt have projects when I have to do 3! =S
What else for RP? Nothing else! Hopefully everything goes well tomorrow! Hope I need go do the HP service centre again to repair my laptop! Hopefully my school can help! Arggghh... and well... if my school IT helpdesk sucks.. then will proceed to the service centre tomorrow and after that take my O level cert too...
Its half of the year already! Another 1month and 23 days it will be my 18th birthday! Hahaha... still thinking about my birthday!!! Lolx... Anyway... some crisis is over for me already... and now I am just hoping the thing that I hope for really will be in my hand... Arggghhh... alrights.. its 1203am... Drink my milk play awhile and shall sleep... Goodnitex everyone...
To everyone who is starting school tomorrow especially Panda, Kelly, Cindy, Tongx, All my tu-dis, Mr Teo, Miss Goh, Hubby... hopefully things will be fine for all of you for this term and take care =)
8:37 PM
The moment his name is mentioned, words from him that day flashes on my head. Tears about to flow down any moment. I thought I have totally forgotten about it, but still, I am feeling very down now. I thought I spent the whole friday trying to clear it, but turn out today when hubby mention his name just once.... and I just feel so irritated by it... haish...
I dont know why, but it hits me real hard the moment he mentioned! I really dont know why I am feeling it this way. I really dont know, I only know I feel more hatred in him now and I just dont know what I must do.
Actually whatever he said might not be wrong, but the actions, the attitude, the everything really irritates me!
Should I just quit it? I wonders....
1:08 AM
Thursday, June 23, 2005
STOP IT! Stop doing all these little little things to irritate me I tell you! You just go and focus what you need to do and dont come and interrupt my stuffs! FISH YOU!
DAmN... I shouldnt have let you know before I do anything.... DAMN it! YOU are such a 'xiao ren!'
Nevermind, I had already lost a thing... this 1 I am not going to lose... if you want to fight with me... come on! I wont lose to you!
YOU ARE SUCH A F--KING XIAO REN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO THINK YOU WILL USE SUCH A WAY TO GET WHAT YOU WANT!? I TELL YOU... I WILL NEVER LET YOU GET YOUR WAY! I MIGHT LOSE HERE.... BUT NOT IN FUTURE!
2:09 PM
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I had enough rest after the game on 9th of June. Well it is really more than enough. Suddenly I have this thought that maybe its blessing in disguise that our last two matches were postponed. I know very clearly for this 2 matches I was not performing at all! And it was really very not myself.
I know that no matter what obstacles I faced, usually after my sadness, I would be very tough to face that and challenge it. Its just like when I was sec3, I lost my position, C before zonal and I got upset and really sad over it. But I know the day before I played for school, I fought the position back again! I challenged it! Extreme match also, I was so afraid and in the end I perform so well! But for the last two matches I am not myself. I do not feel good before the game and during the game I dont feel like running and maybe I should say I have the "lian tou" of giving up.
Well, tomorrow is the start of my battle again! I am going to fight it. Maybe our warm up is not enough for me to surge myself up, therefore I decided I am going to do some suicide runs on my own. Enough of rest already, I should get back my own competitive side for now.
For the past few games in ES, dont know is it complacent or what but I know myself very clearly inside, I am not myself also. It is just so bad! Nevertheless, I will put everything aside and face the battle tough tomorrow!
Go ES late so that I will have enough rest and maybe get myself a little warm up in ES and then do more than the rest in Kallang. I know I can do it! I can do it for Extreme match therefore I can do it tomorrow and forever!
FACE THE REAL ME TOMORROW!
Its all in my MIND!
Tomorrow, I am at kallang netball centre for a purpose
- TO PERFORM TO MY VERY BEST!
11:31 PM
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Many many many... really many things going on my mind... I have 3 netball problems and 2 studies problem... imagine 3 out of 5 is netball... the time, effort and spirit spent is all on netball... I believe netball is greatly part of my life... and I shall admit one thing, the only thing can really make me upset and cry is usually just netball... and my life just revolves around netball and even friends... I had never really realised that, till the day -u- mention about it... I didnt know what are consequences of these till I really think about it... and -u- are right, if 1 day if ever I fall out with one of them, I will be like no friends? But I want to say, even the close friends I had in RP, is still netballers... I think it just the time spent that we had for each other... anyway this isnt the issue that is upsetting me... this is my last priority that I will think of...
Maybe what my hubby said before its so true... I should really find a boyfriend... but well.. too bad... I cant find one.. because nobody likes me... and if asked me to change my appearance... I will say NO... because I want someone who loves me for who am I, and not who he want to be....
Say I am a despo! Say I am a mad person! But I really someone, someone to be by my side! Someone to listen to me! Someone who wont be so irritated my me! Someone who I loves! Someone who cares for me!
I used to find -u- but now alot of times I really wish to talk to -u- but... my heart told me NO... and well I stopped... I dont wish to be even more hurt therefore I ignored the idea of consulting you... Maybe I am sensitive, maybe I am just crazy... but I really thinks -u- no longer wish to listen to the same old thing... therefore I respect -ur- decision...
The feeling is really sooooo terrible and horrible to have soooo much things in your mind, heart and there is no one to talk to... You are feeling already so down inside, and you need someone to talk.. you cant find anyone! Its really just sooo terrible! Maybe this really one of the bad consequences of not having enough friends? (I am crying already!) Dont tell me to talk to my family members! I think I can count the number of sentences I talk to ALL my family members in a month using my fingers in both my hands!
Seriously, these days before I sleep, I would just cry... and so many times I always wish I am dead... I know dying dont solve problem and actually create problem for others... but I think I had really become paranoid already.. because I am thinking of being knocked down by car, jumping off buildings, lying on the bed motionlessly! HA! Maybe I just need a counsellar!
Anyway what is wrong with my studies? My "laptop" and my "Cs" are really irritating... well... I had mentioned in previous entry that my laptop is RIP now... just hoping it is well or maybe I should say hope that my stuffs wont be gone... but... I dotn feel good about it actually...
MY "Cs"... well... dont know if I had ever mention before... I had not achieve any "As" at all... and the number of "Bs" I got is soo many then last year! For one module, I had been getting straight "Cs!" Even at times when I am working at it and doing it... but still always get "Cs"! This year life in school its so difficult!!! I really feel giving up at times... but the thought of going to Uni makes me dont want to give up... but time and again... she keep giving me C when I do my work!!! When I dont work also C... really give me the thinking of dont work since work or not also C... but... I never do it... because always hope that she will see my effort... but till now.. its still a plain NO! If you tell me, I should be intrinsic motivated, I AM... but everytime you do well.. and you cant see an improvements in the grades.. its really disheartening! Haish!
NETBALL!!! HA! These 3 I really dont know how I should handle it... almost everyday I only can sigh, and more sigh... and more sigh... -shakes head and sighs again-
To break for a moment or to stay on and hope miracle happens? This question had strucked me for quite some time... Like I said, I dont feel like playing netball any more... The heart, feeling is no longer there... everytime I only wished to sit down and watch people play.. or maybe just keep running... I have not gone to the extent to hate the game or hate the trainings but I just know that the feelings are never the same... I am not pushing myself... or maybe should say I am tired to push myself already... unless it is running... (I still ran 2.4km on Monday)... but during the game or something... I really feel tired? Is it just a mental blockage? Or is it something else?
To take a break is it equal to avoid the whole situation? Taking a break is really break from netball... totally lost touch for a moment... by doing so am I avoiding? Am I being selfish to everyone? And will I bear to do it? I think I am contradicting myself now... Maybe will see the training this coming Wednesday and Friday and also the upcoming match for RP... (But this also means, if I cant do well = a great fall!) So my final decision still lies on my trainings this week and game next week...
Today... the club had a game with AI-C... Well... I had sort of 'lecture' them... haish... anyway.. I am tired.. already.. and dont wish to add on more... maybe will continue which maybe not larhs... its 3.45am.. wonder if later will go out.. catch some sleep first...
2:06 AM
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Been quite sometime since I blogged.... many many things had happened... the most irritating thing that had happened is... my laptop is RIP again!
Sighs... nothing I can say about this man! If, if, if I am able to save my documents again, I think I would really sell this laptop away and get a sum of money and buy a new laptop!!!! I am so sick and tired of this laptop already! It had been with me for 1years and giving me so much problems! SICK!!!
Other than this is just netball... Well, I always thought my heart is gone just for RP's game... but I was so wrong! I didnt even have the heart to play at ES trg.... Ever since Extreme's game I dont know where had my heart gone to... the heart of playing is not there... the feeling is gone... I only got the heart to train but not playing competively!... Gosh... where is all my heart and feelings and passion for the game!? It had all gone, gone, gone! Should I just take a break of netball? Maybe when I return everything will be better? *But I cant bear to leave everything though..... .....* (Right now I am just contradicting myself... I really dont know what I really want!)
Again netball... there are sooooo much inside my mind about it... but... I couldnt solve it.... and I am just letting it nature take its course... haish... I really wish I could do something... but I wasnt given a little chance to understand it further... sighs.. what else can I say? -shrugs- see how it goes again... haish...
SOoooo much to blog... but not in the mood to continue already... thats all.. bye...
11:42 PM
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Happy Birthday Panda! 18 years old le, please grow up! oops... hahaha... no more noti noti arhhhh!!! =X
Match against SIA later. Many lame jokes I heard once they heard is SIA. "Later game walkover because flight always delayed!"
Its the heart! Maybe I had lost my heart already? Therefore the kind of fighting spirit is no longer there? The kind of feeling for it is gone? All I think is, I am tired! -shrugs- Will see how it goes later...
So much so much things about -it- is in my mind. I really dont know what I should do about -it-. I am confused and I feel lost. Maybe it is really time to do the things I always hated to - face to face talking. Well, will see how it goes. . .
Determination, perseverance, fighting spirit - all these is what I need! Its the same like yesterday, I ran the suicide run, it started well, muscle ache le, I slowed down and therefore what I got? I lost to yw! I need it all back because this isnt losing to just the opponent but also disappointing my team. I can do well in Extreme game but not the rest? NO WAY!
3:16 PM
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
arrrgggggggghhhhhh!!!!! I need to shout it alllll out!!!!!!!!!!! damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP GETTING ON MY NERVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!!!! WHY!!! WHY!!!! WHY MUST YOU!!!!!!!!!
JUST GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOOOOOOOOO PISSSSEEEEEDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11:50 PM
Arrrggghhhh..... I know I need to do something once sch re-opens....
My studies now is really very bad now... The only module that I am surviving from is Web multimedia... but... I have yet achieved A from that module... need not to say... my other modules also...
I really need to understand the past 7weeks work before school reopens! If not I will be dead... and I got the kind of feeling that I am going to retake the module if I dont do well this time round! There is still hope now... hopefully I can do it...
Tomorrow going to library .. hopefully can get books on Object oriented programming, database and OS concept... I need to start reading up... maybe like 1 week per module.. hahaha..
Tomorrow is ES game agianst OSS... jiayou... nothing much I can say though but.. just jiayou!
Haish... Thursday got game... should I train a little tomorrow? -shrugs- maybe I should bahx... because I am sooooo weak and lousy now!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah.. I supposed I should just train and train and train....
10:23 PM
Monday, June 06, 2005
I had not been playing well after Extreme game. What is really wrong? Extreme game is really one of the best game I had played before...
Reflection on Extreme game:
Defending
- I know I managed to stick to the player and sometimes they couldnt pass to her.
- I had intercepted 2 or 3 passes. It was a very nice interception! Its been long since I had intercepted such nice passes!
- I read the game and managed to hit the ball out.
Attacking
- Like they said I didnt run anyhow
- I was able to support at the attacking third
- Managed to feed a few nice passes
Today game and the game with PSRC...
Defending:
- wasnt really close with my opponents
- Could read the game but didnt managed to chase for the ball
Attacking:
- I REALLY DONT KNOW HOW TO RUN TO SUPPORT!!!!
- My passes sucks to the core!!!
- I couldnt link my players at alL!
- I am just a hopeless and useless C on court!!!!
Guess what!? I was shouted once again, I WILL BE OUT OF THE GAME!!!! Well done yunru! You are soooooo good!!!!! DamN!!! I really really really dont know what should I do!!!!! I couldnt find the 'meng' me anymore!
Adroits wasnt having their main team today... and the game is postponed!!! I cant find myself...
Will I be able to play well on this coming Thursday? I really need to... I need to be back like how I played against Extreme!!!! I want!!! I want desperatelY!!!!!! I want sooo much!!!!!
IF I cant play well again... I will be out!!!!! NL yes you are the only C... BUT BUT BUT.... during IVP... you have sooooooo many competitor!!!! PLEASE!!!! YUNRU WAKE UP!!!!!!!!
WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOTTA WAKE UP!!!!!! ONCE AGAIN IF I DONT PLAY WELL... I WILL BE OUT!!!! OUT!!!! OUT YOU GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DAMN! PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE... WAKE UPPPP!!!! AND... MAINTAIN YOUR STANDARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11:43 PM
Sunday, June 05, 2005
When I read the book, "The road less travelled" in the past, it only set me thinking. Once again I read from the start again, my heart was so heavy. Especially when I typed the first few sentences for the start of my blog... so many things to be solved...
Its my holiday now... it is not going to be a good holiday for me... because I know there are alot of things I need to think about and reflect upon and last but not least... solved it....
Well... tomorrow is one of the most important match we going to play together again... against Adroits Junior... Will I be playing like how I played against Extreme? I really hope so... I really want to.. I even want to play even better than how I played against Extreme... It was a long time since I played sooo welll... everyone was telling me Yunru today you played very well... and well again Tony said... he wants to scold me than I will play sooo well... if I am not wrong the game against Prison.. Tony did said something like.. "Yunru, dont always depend on Wany... now you are the only one.. and you still might go back..." Well... obviously I am happy because I know if I played well this time round... and get the bonding.. and everything... I might still get the chance to be on court playing C!
Feeling fear now actually... but will play well tomorrow!!! I need to.. and I must to...
Hopefully tomorrow I am not going to be feeling nausea or having stomachache... hopefully.. hopefully...
I am gonna play well for myself and for the team... Yes... I am going to do it....
Its time to sleep... got to go ES and then catch some sleep if possible... and play a good game tomorrow.... =)
11:08 PM
Its 5am now! I am still awake because I am doing my blogskin. Finally done, please give comment. Is this skin better than my previous one?
Anyway, why am I so awake? It is because I woke up 6pm this evening! I slept the damn whole day. I really wonder if something is wrong with my body, when there is no school or something, I will really sleep for the whole day! The hours of my sleep is getting longer and longer. I used to sleep till 12pm and it became 2pm and it became 4pm and now it had became 6pm! Gosh!!! What is bloody wrong with my body? -shrugs-
*cindy... I continue to change after you slept.. hahaha.. and I took about 2hours to complete! =P
5:02 AM
Friday, June 03, 2005
Its been 4days since I blogged... was lazy, tired to blog... now I shall do it... I will do it backwards...
Today, I didnt go school. I woke up feeling tired and sick. Was tossing around, thinking should go school not then in awhile I fell asleep. Woke up at around 2pm near 3pm. Finally I could sleep for so long! Feeling flu-ishy and throat dont feel well... please I dont wish to be sick now! Its our season now, I want to play well for every matches and do well for the team. I want to be in IVP. I want to be first 7! I want to be the best! I cant fall sick now! After yesterday match, I really scared to be sick... please I dont want to be sick! Anyway, slack the whole day and play with junjie the whole day.
Yesterday, it was sort of unlucky day for me. Early morning I woke up, I had diarhoea then when I was about to leave my house, had it 2nd time. Due to that, I know I will be late and therefore rush down to school by cab.
I didnt train with them because I wanted to conserve my energy for my night game. I didnt do much, just look around and do what I think I am supposed to do. But in the mid of it, stomach dont feel well again and go toilet. This was the time I started to worry. I am so afraid this is food poisoning or what therefore asked for medicine from Miss Goh but her house dont have.
Had lunch and nothing wrong with my stomach therefore I thought I am saved! After that watch movie, "Remember the titans." A very nice show! I watched that like when I was sec3 only, therefore it is like about 3years ago! I was talking to my friend about this show a few weeks ago and ha.. watched it agian..
Training, same as the morning training. Just look look see see. Help when needed. Then they playing a game. Not enough people, therefore joined them. But I didnt really run also because I want to conserve my energy.
I shall conitnue tomorrow or something... want to sleep soon...
12:22 AM
