alone... once again piggy being aloneee...

"See the top for navigation"

"Life is difficult.
This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

Life is a series of problem. What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one."

Will I be strong enough to accept it and my life wont be difficult? This year, is fully filled with downs. When will it ever be gone? Will I be strong enough to handle and accept it? Am I strong enough to do everything right? Will I?

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

WAH! 11 days never blog... well many things had happened...

My first project as a SC president was not very successful... I mean I receive a complain letter and then during the event alot of complains and I need to run up and down the whole Sports Arena and then it was just so tired...

The week before the whole event, before 9pm I wont reach home at all... before 9.30pm I wont eat my dinner... before 1am I wont be sleeping... this just show how tiring it was just doing the thing... and not forgetting that week I have 3 test continuously! Monday, Tuesday and Thursday!!! Also, the event was on Wednesday and Friday!

Looking back... then I realise how tired I was during that week... everything was so clashed together.... I got my AGM to do straight after the event... imagine me and my VP online the whole night doing to 3.30am when she go sleep and me staying up to 5.30am to compile everything and 12pm to have the meeting! OMGS!!! I AM SO MENG!!!!

Alright... other than that was my training... Livewire training was stopped also for about 3 weeks... and then RP netball taining was stopped for 2weeks or I should say stopped 1 week and with a slacking training for a whole week.. I know clearly that I need training and then well I was glad that I was full of determination to do physical yesterday...

=) The team followed.... and we did lots of running and conditioning... IT WAS FUN! I love it...!! That was the first training in RP that I realised the time had travelled so fast and so short... =)

Holiday is coming soon which means the time for me to start my PP also going to start soon... and not to forget my Night Cycling event and also my CE's activities.... well its going to be a packed September also.... GOSH! I am going to print a calendar out and then write all the things that is going to happen on September, I wonder how packed it is going to be... hahaha!!!

Anyway, well stopping for some time... now the question and the problem is back again... I am pissed once again... and I am irritated by it once again!!! I feel like giving it up seriouslY!!! I dont want to carry on with this... but thinking of another side... I realised by giving up will be so damn selfish of ME!!!

For the sake of the whole jungle, I just need to sacrifice myself... aggghhh.... but I really dont know how long more could I take it...

Being calm on the other side... I know there is a solution... but I dont wish to use this solution!!! GOSH!!!! I just cant work!!!!!! DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well then.. its my fault already then...

Haish... ignore about it... back to what I want to say... well other than that was my studies... hmmm... regretted alot... my UT for the time being was good.. but too bad... my daily this time sucks... so overall NOW I AM JUST HOPING IT MAINTAIN AS 3.0!!!! IF NOT 2.9!!!!

I dont wish it will drop to 2.5 by the time I leave RP... I must really do something... damn.....

I shall talk about something happy today... =)

Its been really quite some time since I last met them and talk to them... seriously.. I must say is... I do miss them... well... we went out eating and shopping and chatting and having fun... well... this feeling was really much better than last time when we keep going out... I am serious about this... It was fun laughing... and I really do realise they do have little of me inside them... I hinted them about last week.. when we totally lost ou contact... and well.. she said it seems a month... though it was just a week... we really could talk alot... =) I am happy the whole day... =) Thanks gers! I really love u guys...

Maybe its true afterall... giving each other a little space... when meet up again... the feeling is stronger and better... =)

~*alone again at
11:23 PM

Saturday, August 20, 2005

JUST 1 WORD TO DESCRIBEEEE..... I AM SPEECHLESSS!!!!

Like I said just now... I was so depress about my multimedia grade.... and... now... checking my java ut 3 grade... guess what!? Its... A!? What the hell...??? I dont know whether to cry or to laugh this time round...

I really dont know am I supposed to laugh or to cry man... It is like so shitty man... I really hate studying... it is always the case... i always think I am smart... as in i got a little intelligence in me... and I know that I am lazy... but when I want to work hard... and plus my intelligence hoping to score... I dont get what I wanted... oh man... maybe it is just life... you never get what you wanted... damn it...

I HATE RP!!! I HATE STUDYING!!! But oh god... I want a degree badly... and I want get into NIE... Oh god.. how am i going to survive!!!????/ STUPID!!!!!!

~*alone again at
12:34 AM

Friday, August 19, 2005

Whats more for me to say!? Tell me! Come on tell me! Someone just tell me!!!

I get A for UT 3, then I get C for UT 4!!! What the hell isnt it? I studied really hard before it alright? Whats more can I say?

Can you just imagine it when I pay attention in class, studied for this and then.... I get a C... and when I dont really pay attention and dont know what are the topics are talking about.... WHAT STUPID SHIT GRADE WILL I GET!?

I cannot imagine what grades will I get for the rest of my UTs already.... Web Multimedia is the only module that I am fully confident and fully use all my hearts and soul on it....

Tell me... oh please... someone please tell me.. what should I do.... I am so sad... when I heard upon it... I was like about to cry.. but the moment I think about it... I CRIED!!!!!! oh damn!!!!! This is shitty larhs.. I tell you... crying infront of all my classmates and kenneth... hahaha.... not only I had done so badly... now i embarrass myself also... what the hell.....

"It is still not the end.." so what!? "There is still next UT" so what? "I know she had work hard" so what!? EVERYTHING SO WHAT... ULTIMATELY..... its still a C!!!!!!!!!!!

~*alone again at
3:29 PM

Monday, August 15, 2005

Many things had happened....

Feeling angered... feeling helpless... feeling troubled.... feeling happy... feeling busy... all sorts of feeling I had been feeling....

This year birthday I dont really look forward... I am going to have training on that day... and meeting... and so much things to do.... anyway birthday is just another normal day... just that I grow older 1 year.... which I also dont like...

This month been rather hectic for me... when I finally step into Sports Club... it was the start of all my work... but I just gonna remember what Mr Teo told me before, "I chose this myself"... Mr Leong kept reminding also... though busy and tiring but I just got to hang on and keep doing and making it perfect...

Our first project is to organise Inter-class games... oh well... being pointed as OIC of the thing... the stress level obviously go higher.... now its just the start... I dont know how is the result... will just see how it goess... anyway tomorrow is Sports Club election... wonder what position I will get... tomorrow will post it up once I know...

Other than Sports Club... RP netball had been a headache also.. Appointed as competition manager and so have to do the logistic for Thailand trip.... it was really a headache for me... I need to think what logistic I need to bring and then what are the things needed in a First-Aid box... and then need to organise everything...

Studies... Just like before.... up and down... am I numbed by all the Cs? Thinking back... in year1s I was devasted when I saw 1 C in my daily grade... now I see B I am jumping... oh god... what is wrong with me...? Going into local U was my dream since young... it IS still my dream! I want to change this dream to reality.. but no action was done... what the hell am I doing? But now than I know that 25% of GCE O level is counted to admit into local Uni.. and I supposed there goes my dream... At times I really feel remorseful.... but history is still repeating itself... when then I can learn my lesson? WHEN!? Must I eally fall deep down then I can learn my lesson? I really wonder...

I really hate it... soemtimes when I see the kind of treatment is so different.... it is really so unfair... its me at fault or is it you? I really dont know... at times I really hate it soooo much... that I feel like going up to you and question you... so many times I am just acting like nothing is wrong... but inside it hurts so much... they have create part of me already... but yet they arent mine.... it just hurts so much... so much that no one can ever understand... it is so much like slicing a piece of your flesh!!! i think no one could expect this.. but it really does matter to me so much... but well at times i just keep looking at the positive side...

Anyway recently something happened... it really angered me soooo much!!! I really hate it so much.... i dont wish to say it again... but dont understand why such things will happen... oh god... but for the whole 'jungle' sake... I just need to tolerate and do my best for everything...

Last sunday I wanted to blog something but I didnt... Now I shall do it... It is about netball in club level... Last sunday we had carnival... or very first carnival... For the first few matches it was still alright.... and alot of those times I wish Mr Teo could put me in... but he didnt... there were so much times when I wish to be the one on the court... but I didnt get those chances... BUT i hate myself most is when he put me in... I didnt perform as well as I can be.... there were times when I was sitting outside waiting to be called and almost cried when I dont get those chances.... when sitting at the bench keep thinking what is it that I cant compare with those in the court... why am I always out... why am I always bench player in his team... why cant I be the one playing? I keep thinking what is it that I lose to them? I am willing to do anything to be on court playing... that friday when I was injured and he didnt really put me during training... I was so upset almost crying too.. and it was like... I thought I wont get the chance to play on sunday.. though a little mental prepared.. but I still couldnt stop myself from thinking or what.... i still keep thinking and feeling upset... and worse is when I get in.. I dont play well.... At this point... I still feel super upset when blogging... tears rolling also... and hatred in myself... and wondering what is it I must do... I HATE being benchplayer.... especially in his team.... and its like... i keep thinking there is no way I am losing to her... why... why am i always losing to her? during school times also.. and now also... why!!! till now its still her.... but well... now the most inprtant thing is to make sure.. when i get the chance to prove myself.. i must prove myself and not perform like shit... sunday was like shit... i must make sure that is the last time... and also.. last time being bench player... i hate the feeling... so i must make it work now!!!

Need a break of everything... tired... real tired... sometimes just wish to leave everything behind... and go to a far far place.. till everything had just become memories then I can come back... haish... dont know what I am thinking also....

Anyway... UTs are coming again... semester going to end soon also.... inter-class sports also stating soon... and then thai trip also... everything is coming so fast... anyway... i prefer this hectic month because... it jsut stop me from thinking... and tearing.... and maybe this is why i had not been blogging so frequently.... maybe i just being stupid thinkin problem will leave by its own.. but I am wrong.. but i still cant face it....

~*alone again at
12:46 AM

Monday, August 08, 2005

Been a week or so since I last blog. During this period of time many things had happen and basically sometimes when I wants to blog I didnt do so because maybe due to laziness.

I cant remember much of the things that had happened, I will just breifly type what I can remember.

For studies:
It had been up and down. But I really hate this, during my year1 my daily grades were average but my UT were down... then this year round, my UT was not too bad but my daily grades sucks... overall my results sucks now... I really not sure what I should really do... currently also in dilenma of whether to give the module up and try agian next year or do it and get a poor result.... I really wish to maintain a 3.0 GPA so that I can at least enrol to oversea university with more expemtion.. and if possible get a even higher GPA so that can try to enrol local university... but now then I realised that entering local uni needs to see GCE 'O' level result... and that kills me for sure... haish...

Anyway I am glad that Web Multimedia been working really hard and getting As'.... and well hopefully I dont disappoint myself and kenneth for the very last UT... because for the past 2 it was rather not bad.. and with the last UT having a good result... my GPA would be good... hopefully things goes well also... and I will just chiong so that it will help to neutralize with my poor module...

For my PP, it had been approved but for the time now I dont think I had the time to do it... during my September holidays.. its rather a bad time too... going to watch ASEAN game, then travel to thailand and that equals to half of my holiday... basically having 2 more weeks only... Hopefully it can be done or something.... Also well for now I am too busy to do it also...

Well, other than studies is my CCAs... talk about Netball then... oh well.. RP Netball nothing much... just busy on Thailand trip also... its like in the committee therefore needs to do planning on my logistic part and then everything... training wise and everything nothing much lorhs... just only injured my left ankle at the wrong timing...

Sports Club... well... I just need to rememeber I choose this path... therefore I got to work for this whole year.... well organising the inter-class games really tiring but it is what I need to do... kind of busy with all these admin work man... Netball and sports club... Just got to hang in there till September... I believe everything will be fine... =)

Oh well.. actually soemthing that is the most important and the one that is upsetting me the most... but I dont think I am at the right situation to talk about it now.. maybe tomorrow...

~*alone again at
2:55 AM